Posts

Showing posts from November, 2003
ALPHA BETA DROOL & SKIN SO SOFT
This holiday weekend Joe & I have been napping our asses off. We plan our activities and errands around the blissful time of day when we step out of baths or showers and climb under the covers to sleep the hottest part of the afternoon away.

I know just enough about sleep study to know that there are certain phases of sleep, but not enough to understand the drool phase. Does it come before REM or after? How long does it last? And how come the drool phase is most pronounced during nappage? How come when I go to sleep at night I don’t wake up in the middle of the night to go pee and find myself drooling? Why is it just during the day?

I’m acquainted with the various types of naps I personally have: Cat nap (occurs in odd places like on a bench in a cemetery), Power nap (the short 20-minute sleeps that give me energy to dance the night away), Normal nap (lasts around an hour and is wonderfully relaxing & rejuvenating at once), and the Coma nap…
I WENT TO INDIANA AND UNFORTUNATELY MISSED KENTUCKY
A few weeks ago Mia & I (and of course our men) were invited by the very fabulous Lana to visit her new home in Kentucky for the weekend. Unfortunately I’d miss out, as it was the same weekend I was going to Indiana. So last night Mia & I caught up on what I missed. Other than the beautiful home, property and rare chance to catch up with Lana, one of my best friends (her husband Dave & baby G-Man too of course) I missed out on the distillery debacle.

Mia is one of the last great smokers. I can’t imagine how anyone could stand to be around us when we were all smoking. We’d sit in Mia & Lana’s apartment and smoke the night away, or the day away depending on the hour. How deluded were we to think that Lana’s mom wouldn’t notice our habit when she’d come to visit.

So anyhow, Lana, Dave, Mia & Rog were out cruisin the Kentucky countryside and swing into a local bourbon distillery for a tour. Once they pull into the park…
BROWN PAPER WRAPPING PART 2 UPDATE
So I forgot to tell you part 2 of me trying to ship my gifts to Indiana prior to my trip. I got to work the next morning and told my co-workers about FedEx's bizarre brown paper restriction. They hadn't heard of that rule and urged me to try UPS. So I called UPS and asked if brown paper was a problem for them. I was told that they accepted packages with brown paper wrapping and had no such restriction.

I got directions to a nearby UPS location. I still had the boxes in my trunk so I grabbed my purse and ran. When I arrived I was motioned over to a bank of computers to input my shipping information and generate my own labels. I eyed the employees and wondered how you get jobs like theirs. Tell people to create their own UPS paper work, if they have questions, tell them to press Help and when everything is done, tell people where to put the package on the conveyor belt. How lazy can you get?

So I generate my 2 labels and approach the conveyor be…
MY INDIANA WHIRLWIND
Friday I was up at 4:00 am to get to LAX in time to get onto my early morning flight. Sadly, I had to get Joe up at that un-Godly hour to drive me. We hit the road by 5:30 and I didn't want to leave him, I wanted him to keep driving and just blow the trip off altogether. Just sit holding his hand. However, as a good chauffeur, he dropped me off and I was plenty early to get checked in and through security.

I grabbed a fast food breakfast and chatted with Joe on the phone as I made my way to the gate. I selected a seat far away from the hustle & bustle so I could eat in peace and read the rest of my "D is for Deadbeat" book. While I'm settling in I hear this weird scraping sound and heavy breathing. I turned around and there was this middle aged lady sitting on the floor behind the chairs with her shoes off, her skirt hiked up around her thighs and she was dry shaving her legs. Yikes! My legs burned just looking at this maniac. Ever heard of sha…
MADDENING PIZZA & CRAZY OBVIOUS VANITY PLATES
Start with the strange phenomenon of vanity license plates. This evening I'm driving home and I'm behind this little Mercedes with plates reading PIKKY. Hmmmm. I can see that it is a woman driving alone having a major conversation on her mobile phone as she is punctuating her side of the dialogue with a jabbing index finger - pointing out her side of the story.

I got up next to her at a traffic light and openly stared at her to take in PIKKY. She had her perfect hair swept up into a perfectly tousled do and was still poking the air, but I could see that her jabbing index finger was perfectly manicured and her nails were like talons. Hmmm, Ms PIKKY apparently doesn't do bathrooms.

Very appropriate if she chose those plates. Very pathetic if someone gave them to her. Almost as good as my favorite appropriate vanity plate sighting. Years ago in Denver I was walking along when this insane looking Excaliber like kit-car swings in…
THE LITTLE THINGS BUGGING ME THIS MORNING
While cruising in traffic this morning on the 405 water starts appearing on my windshield. It wasn’t raining. So I start looking around and see that the car in front of me was using their little windshield sprayers and wipers to wash their windshield. On my windshield sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle. Like how badly out of alignment do your little sprayer nozzles have to be to wash the windshield of the car behind you more effectively than than your own freakin windshield? So there I was flipping on my wipers to clear off their cleaning fluid. Bizarre.

Once at my office I started to take off my sunglasses and felt the side hinge pulling out the hair from my temple. OWWWW! So I jam them back into place and try to work the hinge to get it to let loose on the caught hair. I’m wiggling the glasses and right side bow which won’t let go of the clump of hair. Finally I just pulled them off and the hair came with them.

So I come into the building lobby and t…
DANGER BROWN PAPER! & THE BLONDE CAN'T JUGGLE
So last night I'm driving through evening traffic with one big errand to perform before going home to relax with Joe. I must ship my mom & aunt Kathy's birthday gifts (coat & purse) to them. I have had them for a couple of months and over the past few weeks I've beautifully gift-wrapped them and then wrapped them in protective paper. Now is the deadline to ship em. I'm flying out for our birthday celebrations Friday morning and I don't want the hassle of carrying them.

I get into the mobbed FedEx parking lot and maneuver into a spot just as a disgrunteled parking attendant hustles over & hands me a little ticket that I have to have validated inside. Hmmmm, parking in the FedEx lot but not actually using their services must be a big neighborhood ploy I don't know anything about. Just as I pop the trunk to retrieve the 2 big boxes, my phone rings Joe's special ring. He is the type to keep callin…
OHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDD!!!!!! Danielle has linked my blog!!!!
I can't believe it! My entrance into the apartment tonight will be "Joe! Danielle has linked to my blog!" and he'll say "You mean Danielle the young woman who attends the University of Chicago who you always talk about and you don't know? Danielle your idol whose life you can't stop reading about? That Danielle?" Then he'll roll his eyes and pat me on the head. Then I'll run around the apartment wondering what someone whose blog is linked to Hubbard's Cupboard should typically do on a Monday evening. Then I'll lose the tidalwave of excitement I'm experiencing and make dinner.

Ivy

All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
ME AND TECHNOLOGY
First let me preface what I’m about to say by stating that I am not a lazy person. OK, I’m not a super lazy person, but I’m a little bit lazy. Put it this way, I like convenience. Convenience pleases me. I prefer to shop in my neighborhood because going outside my neighborhood causes me to drive which y’all know I abhor. You know, that kind of lazy.

So onto the subject of technological breakthroughs and my relationship with them. Currently I’m deep within a passionate love affair with my Breadman TR2200C Ultimate Bread Machine and I never want it to end. It has transformed me into what my neighbors must perceive as a domestic goddess as while they’re waiting for the elevator in our hall the smell of my fresh baked bread must be making them feel inferior. I want everything to work like my Breadman. I dump 4 ingredients into it and select my crust type, loaf size and press Start. It begins the noisy process of mixing, kneading, rising, kneading, baking and voila! Yummy …
BAD COFFEE BLUES
Oh help me God! Our coffee machine here at work has gone on the blink! Gack! I like our little coffee vending machine. Several times each morning I press the little “Coffee with Cream” button and watch as the little streams of dark coffee and thick white cream flow into my cup. I trust its automated portioning. But this morning I slid my cup into place and pressed my favorite button and no cream. I got about a thimble full of weird black stuff. Because coffee for me isn’t an option it is a critical part of my ability to function, I slid my cup back into place for another try. The worst thing would be that I’d have my nice coffee with cream and some icky black stuff in it. Hey, I could gulp that down I’m not proud. But no, I got down to eye level with the machine and no cream - just another thimble of that ink. So now I’m trying to sip my 2 thimbles full of icky black stuff and just can’t do it. I tried to fix the situation by adding hot water and equal. I made it worse…
STRANGE HAPPENINGS ON THE IDES OF NOVEMBER
How can I describe today’s happenings so far? I was sleepily brushing my teeth and looking out my bathroom window when I notice an elderly lady walking up my street. Then I see what appeared to be a creepy homeless man zero in on her from across 6th street. He hurried towards her and she was totally unaware of this man. When he got within about 5 feet of her he stopped, seemed to think about something and then turned around and hurried back in the direction he’d just come. Freak.

Then I threw on some clothes and headed out for groceries. I got in the elevator and just as I got to the lobby & started to step out Ms. Cougar strides into the elevator like there’s no possibility anyone else could be in her way and bumps into me. Eeewwww! She bounced back and said “woah”. I stood stock-still and was too engulfed in horror and revulsion to say anything (I hate that aspect of my personality – typically I don’t say anything during a time of crisis,…
Danielle's blog is www.quandarical.com
but she's in a depressed state today

All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
RAINY NIGHT IN SANTA MONICA
Yesterday at the end of my workday I grabbed my purse, jumped in my car and hopped on the 405. I wasn't going home, I was going to meet the girls at our usual meeting place, World Cafe in Santa Monica. There was occasional thunder and some flashes of lightening, but no rain yet.

Because I have a mental quirk about not being late and because I have a mental quirk about not staying late at the office, I was a full 2 hours early to meet the girls. I parked and started wandering around Main Street. Popped by the ATM, popped into a shoe store and pawed several pairs of Prada shoes, popped into a beauty supply and bought some hair products and then kept walking. Several blocks down I saw a sign for an out of the way used bookstore. Perfect! I'd buy a book and then settle in at World reading until everyone showed up.

I turned down the side street looking for the bookstore and heard music. Nice. However, as I drew closer to the music I realized that it was …
WHO HIRES AGRO BUS DRIVERS?
So this driving rant starts with me pulling out of my office parking lot into the nearest lane to me (which means I didn't cross any lanes to get there) and pull forward to get onto the 405 when I see out of the corner of my right eye a big oversized medical transport bus cutting across all lanes at about 50 MPH and veer psychotically into my lane causing me to slam on my brakes (thank God I just had them done a week ago). This was one of those buses that is made to accommodate those motorized Rascal wheelchairs and their occupants. It literally swayed to a stop since it isn't a Porsche - designed to swerve and brake with agility. Sooo not a Porsche. The anti Porsche, it was a giant diesel belching extra tall bus.

I pictured the poor people inside the bus slipping down into their little seat belts or clutching their chairs and allowing their belongings to go flying. What the Hell is wrong with these crazed bus drivers? Why do we hear all the time th…
TOTAL RELAXATION AND MEATBALLS
I love weekends when Joe & I have no obligations at all. This is one of them. When Joe announced that he didn't have any place we had to be, and I knew I'd made no plans I got all excited and danced around the apartment. We puttered around on Friday night. Then Saturday was my grocery shopping foray and I had the typical silly LA - Hollywood experience at my gas station as I filled up for the week. I pulled in and my usual pump (I know, I'm such a creature of habit I have a usual pump) was taken by a film crew. I swerved over to another pump and one of the Russian guys who owns the station tip toed over to me to ask if I had to pay cash. He gestured over to the office which was in the film shot. Apparently that would be a problem. I waived my AmEx at him - I'm getting points doncha know.

So I'm trying not to make any noise as this guy who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal is taking direction from somebody and leaning against an old Camar…
A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT EVACUATION EXPERIENCE
What is it with me and fire drills? Am I the Flying Dutchman of evacuations? Does my presence make people in building security say “Suddenly we feel the urge to make everyone run out of the building in as orderly a fashion as possible. Let’s have a drill!”? Yes, this is obviously the case.

This morning I was doing some very detailed work at my desk comparing 2 spreadsheets to find an error, when this loud voice (a much more professional loud voice than my old tower) comes over the speaker system telling us to evacuate the building and go to our designated meeting spots outside. Dang! I was most of the way through my work when this happened. I was so close to isolating that error.

I grab my purse and head into the hall where I see various people not grabbing their purses, but big red emergency backpacks, helmets and big industrial goggles if you can believe it. I swear to you. I tried to hide my purse as now I feel it makes me look shallow an…
KILL BILL BUT DON’T SLAP THE INNOCENT
I’ve known for a long time that I can’t see movies where someone innocent is physically or emotionally hurt. Even in books my heart breaks. Like the first book I really read, Of Mice and Men by Steinbeck. I got to the part where George has to kill Lenny and I cried like a maniac – which was unfortunate as I was sitting in Sophomore study hall at the time and my pal Andy Alcazar had to take me out in the hall and put water on my face.

I’ve left quite a few movies over the years when something bad is happening to an innocent character: Platoon, A Simple Plan, etc. and was deeply disappointed with myself for sitting through Lars Von Treir’s Dancer in the Dark. Holy crap that was excruciatingly depressing! I’m still scarred by that one.

Joe goes by himself last week to see Kill Bill as he does when he’s going to see a movie that we believe will freak me out. He comes back with the music and certain scenes stuck in his head and would like to see it agai…
SATURDAY DOWNTOWN & DAVE’S MOVIE NIGHT
We got up really early and grocery shopped, got Joe’s tire fixed, dropped our dry-cleaning & my car to get the brakes worked on, and headed for downtown. We hung out at the Our Lady of Angels cathedral and then wandered over to the new Disney Hall. Soooo cool! We wandered all over the new space and gardens except inside the actual concert space as there was a rehearsal going on. Joe bought me a beautiful t-shirt and I bought him a magnet for our kitschy collection.

Then we went to our fave downtown sushi place and pigged. But pigging on sushi isn’t really a sin. Not like Carl’s Jr or something. Then it was home for naps.

That evening our bestest pal Dave Schapiro has these awesome movie nights every couple of months or so. And Saturday he had an interesting twist. Rather than have the typical movie that we all watch (He Knows You’re Alone, Freddie VS Jason) where we can all lose interest in being quiet & start doing our own version of MS…
HALLWEEN & THE HELLISH COMMUTE

Halloween’s evening commute was so awful I am only now able to blog about it. I sat on the 405 & I sat on LaCienega so long that when I finally inched my way up to Rodeo I hung a left and tried to make my way to another North/South route to get me home. I drove way out of my way at a funereal pace and finally came up to LaBrea. I couldn’t turn there cuz the turn lane was completely clogged so I went past it in the hopes that I’d be able to turn around and get back to LaBrea from the other side. I went so far out of my way trying to find a legal way to do that that I finally pulled a screamin illegal U-turn through a construction site and went back only to get stuck on LaBrea. After about 30 minutes not moving I started taking lefts & rights randomly trying to find a street that was moving. I was in a terrible part of town I was totally unfamiliar with. I ended up doing a 3-point turn in a driveway to turn around only to have 3 um, gentlemen, …