Showing posts from May, 2004
HELP ME RHONDA Oh, yeah, for two days now I've had that Beach Boy's tune firmly stuck in my head. ---------------------- Well since she put me down I've been out doin in my head I come in late at night and in the morning I just stay in bed Well Rhonda you look so fine and I know it wouldn't take much time for you to help me Rhonda help me get her out of my heart bum bum bum bum bum HELP ME RHONDA HELP HELP ME RHONDA HELP ME RHONDA HELP HELP ME RHONDA HELP ME RHONDA HELP HELP ME RHONDA HELP ME RHONDA YEAH! Get her out of my heart.... --------------------- Kinda like when Mia got the plug "Maybe it's Mabelline" stuck in her head while showering one day and was plagued for some time. Help me please… Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
MORTIFYING MAID MOMENTS While waiting for the Memorial Day weekend to begin, I was sitting, nibbling on kiwi fruit and thinking about years ago when I was a maid. Being raised with a certain level of money, I looked ridiculous with my expensive jewelry driving up to clean people's homes in my sports car… but I had no self-awareness at that age. Wetness dripping from behind my ears I'd punch in the security codes to people's front doors and clean their homes for an agency. There was one woman who was always home. She didn't stock her own cleaning supplies, but luckily the agency made sure that I had a box that I brought with me. This woman was miserable. She was in her 50s with a 5-year-old boy she called Alexandre, yes, the little French guttural sound in place of the hard "r" on his name. I could tell from the mementos I'd dust that she thought she was marrying very well indeed and her many matted and framed wedding announcements that marrying a &
I HATE THE LAKERS PART DEUX ARRRGGGGSSSSHHHEEEEESSSHHHFFFFUUUUUGGGGHHHH! What was the later part of my day like yesterday? Well, let me tell you. My fabulous client was graciously taking part in a live chat on our company's web site at 5:30. I'd never monitored a live chat on our site, so I rushed around the office asking for help from my fellow employees who work till 6 every night. They were old-hat at these chats and intimately familiar with the ins and outs of our message boards, etc. Guess what? On the down low they all said they were sneaking out of the office at 5:30 and couldn't help. I wandered from desk to desk and finally caught one of them on the phone making arrangements for everyone to go to a nearby sports bar for… …THE LAKERS GAME. Not only do they ruin every evening in my home when they play, but screw up work responsibilities as well! That fucking team! I climbed into the chat and everything went very well. People popped in to say they love my
iPOD for iVY I went and got myself an iPOD! It's adorable, user-friendly and holds more songs that I'll ever need! This nice guy helped me with the purchase and sent me home to happily enjoy music. I slipped the iPOD installment disk into my little PC laptop and received an error that my MS2000 was the wrong version of Microsoft and a new version would need to be installed to talk to the iPOD program. No fucking way! The instructions said that MS2000 was what was needed and that's what I have! I had an Ivy-sized meltdown (the be honest, I don't take computer difficulties well even on my best day) clutching my cool new teeny tiny jukebox with no tunes on it I grabbed my purse and ran back across the street to the guy who'd sold me that iPOD. "Hey! Back again so soon? Did you have any questions?" "Yeah, I've had it with all of the problems Microsoft keeps giving me, it reformats all of my documents incorrectly, gives me errors when I
WHY ARE DOORS ALWAYS SLAMMING INTO ME? I just got back from the deli with a giant salad -- no bleu cheese crumbles in the entire bowl -- and ate ½ at my desk. To save the other ½ till about 4:00 P.M. when I'll be hungry again, I took my bowl to the office refrigerator. It's pretty full, stocked with the healthy lunch fare my office mates consume I guess. So I try to move a few things around to make room. The fridge door closes on my head. I nudge the door open again and reach toward the back of the top shelf to move what looks like tofu and the door closes on my shoulder. I nudge the door open again and see that the door has left a little smudge of what looks like barbecue sauce on my shirt. I ended up holding the door open with one knee until I was able to get my stupid salad stowed. This brings to mind my struggle with both the fridge and freezer doors when I grocery shop. I stack up the frozen items on the counter and try to put it all into the freezer at the same t
SCREAMING ON THE TODAY SHOW PLAZA This morning as Joe & I had breakfast, watching The Today Show as usual, I was really distracted by the people screaming on the Plaza. Poor Al Roker! Christ! He's trying to talk about 'the flooding in the central states' and not only is everyone screaming at the top of their lungs, but a woman with a horrid yellowish bob directly behind him is screaming her way into a full body thrombosis - her arms involuntarily rising upwards and hovering. Ghastly! What the fuck are they yelling for? Excitement at being in the presence of Al? Well, I really like his TV persona and all, but does he warrant screams? Come now people. Are these the same people who freak out at The Price is Right? Oh my God! Don't get me started on The Price is Right! My pal Steve Litwitz was out visiting me in LA years ago and his big goal was to be on The Price is Right. We got tickets and stood in line for hours outside CBS. Dorky interns kept coming out
GURGLE. NO MORE BLEU CHEESE Ugh. I feel sick. Me- the woman who can't get enough cheese. Ever! Me- the woman who passes up artful little dessert trays but am compelled to dive into cheese trays until I drool Chevre. I've just been undone by bleu cheese! Today the little guy at the deli greeted me cheerfully, and hopped right into action when I ordered a Cobb Salad. Extra handfuls of everything for me - a loyal customer. A dash of extra bacon, a smidge of extra chicken, a scoch of extra avocado, a dollup of extra dressing, and when I wasn't looking, an avalanche of extra bleu cheese crumbles. But those crumbles are little guys, you know, easy to hide under a curl of lettuce. Hard to look at a salad and discern that it is almost nothing but cheese when bits of green are shielding the crumbles of cheese from view. So I rushed up to my office carrying my as yet undiscovered cheese bomb and tucked into lunch. Mmmm ! Good first bite with yummy cheese! Next fork full of c
LIBYA THE VACATION DESTINATION DU JOUR? Joe and I have planned a couple of vacations at The Grand Canyon, only to have things come up and force us to cancel them. So when he was sifting through the extra large sheaf of papers that made up the Sunday Los Angeles Times this weekend, he looked at a picturesque full page photo of The Grand Canyon and remarked, "Hon, we should really try to make that trip to The Grand Canyon happen this year." At which point he unfolded the entire page and started laughing. The headline was touting Libya as a dream vacation destination. It was the Libyan Desert in the photo, not The Grand Canyon. What American in their right minds would skip the calm and beautiful places on the globe to relax in a Muslim country on the north coast of Africa during these dangerous times? We're busy whamping on the Muslim population of Iraq whom we call "insurgents" or "followers of radical clerics" when we kill them - and they're b
BIZARRE DEATH? GARROTTED YOU SAY? THIS IS A JOB FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES! In reading the article "Lost Conan Doyle Papers to Be Auctioned in London" by Reuters in the New York Times, I learned that a collection 3,000 + "items that belonged to Sherlock Holmes creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle will be auctioned in London on Wednesday. The collection, expected to fetch up to two million pounds, is filled with unpublished material and mementoes that illustrate the wide range of the Scottish author's interests. It was only discovered last year in the offices of a London law firm after it disappeared during a dispute over his estate following his death in 1930, auction house Christie's said. The sale has ignited a furor among his fans and scholars, with some saying the collection should be bequeathed to the British nation. The auction takes place against the backdrop of the bizarre death of a leading Holmes expert. Richard Lancelyn Green, a former chairman of the Sherlock
ANOTHER BENEFIT TO WORKING OUT ONLY ONCE A DAY Now that I'm no longer doing the clinical outcome study I'm experiencing another benefit. Dry hair. I have extremely thick hair and it takes a long time to dry. Forget me hefting a blow drier long enough to blast my many layers of locks dry. Not an option. But during that week I'd get up, do cardio and shower. Towel dry, distribute some leave-in conditioner and head off to work. My hair would dry around noon or so and by 5:00 I'd be working out again and showering. My hair would be wet until bed time. Day after day, Monday through Friday. It's nice to have dry hair now. Ah the benefits just keep registering now that the study has ended. Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
MY CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH A PSYCHO ON THE EL Mercifully, this is the closest I've come to being killed that I know of. I got off work from my cocktail shift late one winter night on Rush Street, around 2:00 A.M. I had made about $300, but couldn't really afford to take a cab home as I'd been out sick for much of the week with a bad cold and needed every cent for rent. I walked to the subway with my CTA pass in hand. I got on a northbound train and sat in one of the seats that face inward toward the open space nearest the doors. A bunch of young scrawny Bloods were making a fuss, loudly hollering at each other, tossing bits of tacos from what must have been a late night fast food run, and generally making life miserable on the train for the rest of us. At Fullerton a big giant man in a blue tracksuit with a shaved head and very mean expression got onto the train. Obviously a Crip - he glanced around at the young Bloods and they all casually but quickly hopped off the trai
IVY'S SUPER HUMAN MORNING HEARING At night, the minute I fall asleep, I'm deaf. Joe can watch TV next to me, come home late and rumble around the room while getting ready for bed & I'm oblivious to his bumping and clumping around. But in the hour or so before I wake up in the morning, my hearing becomes super acute. I fight to shut out the sound of a car starting outside so I can stay asleep until my alarm sounds. When Joe wakes before me, the sound of him sliding his closet doors in another room down the hall brings me fully awake. The sound of him closing the microwave door in the kitchen all the way on the other side of the apartment, down a long hall, across the living room and dining room brings me fully awake. Or as was the case this morning, the sound of Joe's spoon in his bowl as he ate his Kashi brought me fully awake. I've asked Joe to be really careful to slide his closet doors quietly. His response was a puzzled, "Honey, by virtue of b
LEGISLATING EXPOSED BUTT CLEFTS? POST THE COPS AT THE BEVERLY CENTER! Reading an article this morning in the Chicago Tribune by Lianne Hart titled: "Decency bill seeks ban of low-rise pants that expose" I learned that Rep Derrick Shepherd has had enough of low-rise pants. "In a state where the best Mardi Gras beads go to women who flash their breasts during parades comes a Louisiana legislator who wants to ban low-riding pants that reveal underwear or the "cleft of the buttocks." "In our society, we have a line of decency that should not be crossed--and that line starts around the waist area," the bill's sponsor, Democratic state Rep. Derrick Shepherd, said in a recent speech on the Louisiana House floor. If the bill becomes law, violators who publicly and "intentionally expose any portion of the pubic hair, cleft of the buttocks or genitals" may face a $175 fine or 24 hours of community service." True, lately I'
DONE WITH THE CLINICAL OUTCOME STUDY! And not a moment too soon! I've lost 6lbs since last Friday and can go back to working out only once a day. My poor little muscles are so tired. Who'd a thunk a couple of months ago that working out once a day would feel like slacking? What world am I living in? Who have I become? Our Director of Results accepted my daily exercise/food journal that I've been keeping during the study and remarked, "Ivy, you're very uhhhh thorough, a perfect study participant." Of course he meant I'm anal . Noting every sip of coffee, lunch ingredient and cocktail. Well, that's just the way I work and I considered this work. Why'd they ask me to keep a journal of my workouts and food if they really really didn't want to see how seriously I was taking it? Yup, anal old Ivy. That's me. I make no excuses. THE NON-COMMUTER'S LIFE I must share that for 3 weeks now I've been delighting in my gas gauge. Because
MY CHILDHOOD PALS' STRANGE PARENTS While sitting waiting for replys to e-mails & phone messages this afternoon, I was musing about sleepover parties I used to attend as a girl. Julie Passik was pretty reliable to have a fun sleepover on a whim. She had cool board games, fun 45 records we could all dance to, good food it the fridge, and comfy bedding that we'd spread all over the living room and rack out late at night. But Julie Passik's mom is a laundry freak. How would I know this you ask? Well, we'd wake up and find our underwear missing! Or our little training bras (that we soooo didn't need) missing! There we'd be in our jammies looking around where we'd piled our clothes the night before. The first time this happened, Julie, bleary eyed announced, "uhhhh, yeah, uhhhh, c'mon to the laundry room, I know were we'll find everything" We all trooped to the laundry room and stood looking up at a nice fresh cotton laundry tether up
I'M NO IRON WOMAN OK, It's official; every one of my muscles are tired. I've only worked out twice a day for three days now and although I'm not in pain exactly, each muscle feels on the verge of trembling. While working out last night to Ramp it Up from Slim in 6, I was blessing Debbie Siebers for stressing and teaching good form. While hefting my legs in a series of kicks they didn't want to do, and drawing the resistance bands into back rows that my back and arms didn't want to do - I could see the potential for strain or injury. Form, breathe, technique, alignment. Mercy! So, this morning I rolled out of bed and did my 20 minutes of fucking cardio when I really just wanted to be asleep next to a slumbering Joe - and I wondered… what might be the result of this week of double exercise? By Friday could it be that I'll be transformed into a chick who hops out of bed at 6:00 and bounds up to the DVD player and zips through 20 minutes of cardio with lots
HUGS - SO SIMPLE, SO IMPORTANT, AND YET SO COMPLEX Yesterday I was reading an article in the New York Times titled 'Inviting the Public's Embrace, One by One' by Andrea Elliott. This guy, Jayson Littman has been going to Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village for a while now and offering free hugs to passers by. Apparently he is good at hugging: warm yet not invasive, calm and comforting. He is spotlessly groomed, has discreet cologne and is accompanied by friends who some times join in to offer hugs to the public at large. He does this at appointed times between 1 and 4 PM on Sundays. He offers the fundamental reassurance and connection that we all need... to strangers . Some people who've seen him before come running up for hugs, one girl commenting to the reporter that she'd just had a fight with her boyfriend and really needed the hug. Others comment that our scary world makes them feel isolated and that hugs can make things a bit better. This is a great
FASTING & WORKING OUT So, the fast went well. I really liked the yummy Fast Start formula in Chocolate by Beachbody and did only my grocery shopping chore over the weekend. Otherwise I chilled in the apartment watching movies and hangin. Joe rented Elephant by Gus van Sant. Damn! That really stays with ya! This morning I stayed on the Clinical Study plan and got up early to exercise and shower. Ugh! Good thing this is only for a week. I hate getting up a minute before I have to. However, Evadnae thought it was super fun having me up and pranced all over the place while I was working up a sweat to Kathy Smith's Cardio Fat Burner for 20 minutes. Tonight it's Yoga Booty Ballet. I've lost 2lbs over the weekend. The rest of my team are in the gym next to my office right now doing a kickboxing DVD. They sound like they're having a ball. Help me -- I'm working in a company where the culture feels they're waging war against the couch. Ivy All Red Iv
EXPLOSIVES R US? In looking at the headline that a mosque was just blown to bits in Karachi, I started thinking, who is selling all these explosives that are being used hourly around the world to blow up Spanish commuter trains, Iraqi cars, Israeli buildings, American HumVees? Is there some sort of underground chain of stores that stocks plastique, liquid TNT, vests with dynamite sewn inside for those who want to go to heaven in smithereens as they take out all the innocent by-standers within a 50-foot radius? I'm picturing Explosives R Us with aisles of ready made suitcase bombs of varying sizes, shoe bombs, bins of fertilizer, fuses, timers… "We need a price check on aisle one, the nail fragments in the 2 gallon drums aren't marked." Do they have club cards that give their most loyal customers a discount? I mean, someone has to have cornered the market on the insanely lucrative explosives sector. Everyone is blowing something up nowadays. Whoever they are
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ONE OF MY MOST EMBARASSING MOMENTS Thinking over my many embarrassing moments, I realized that most of them involve falling down - here's one I was thinking about this morning: One frigid winter night while walking with all the other commuters across an alley on Clark Street on our way to the Belmont El stop. I saw a woman ahead of me skid a bit as she stepped across the alley but she steadied herself. I, on the other hand, stepped to cross the alley and both feet flew out from under me and I went flying! Arms pin wheeling, "help me Jesus!" escaping from my lips, and down I went. That wasn't the embarrassing part. I was wearing a giant blue parka that had big pockets that I stashed all my crap in. Magically everything in my pockets also went flying. Nice people stopped to help me up and pick up my belongings. My cigarettes, my packet of Kleenex, my house keys, my wallet, my lip balm, my book… the person to help me to my feet was a stunningly, amazingly, eart
PRISONER ABUSE AND FRIENDS What is going on currently on this big amazing wondrous complex planet as it whirls through the multi-colored cosmos where stars are being born and galaxies are expanding? Hmmm, well, you know I'm big on reading news articles and I watch the news each morning, so I feel well qualified to say that only two things are currently happening on our fair planet. We are doing some major evasive two-stepping about our shameful abuse of the citizens of Iraq whom we'd imprisoned and Friends is ending its 10-year run on NBC. Yup yup yup. That's the extent of world news. Rumsfeld being bawled out, more photos of tied up naked men with panties on their heads, more Iraqi outrage, exclusive interviews with Gunther at Central Perk, the cast of Friends sitting around the set of the "Friends" apartment waxing sentimental about their time on the air. uhhhh, anything else? Nope. Very sad that nothing can bump those news stories into some proper pe
ODE TO THE NO CARB BREAKFAST... YUM! I had the best breakfast this morning and must crow about how absurdly Atkins it is... not that I do this often: 1 1/2 deviled eggs with just the right amount of mayonaise 3 slices roasted turkey breast wrapped in 1 slice swiss cheese topped with a big dollop of horseradish/beet puree. fuckin fabulous! Now I shall be a normal person and eat a vegetarian lunch to balance out all of the protein. Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
SOME CURATORS STORE PAINTINGS PROPERLY, I PERFER MY TRUNK My mother left a valuable painting in my care over a year ago, she was moving out of a home she was sharing with a man named Ken in Orange County. When I met the guy I thought he was a jerk so I was happy to see her heading back to her family and friends in Chicago. I went down to OC to help her pack and she handed me two items: A large mahogany box filled with silver flatware, and a wrapped painting. The rest of her belongings were packed into boxes and shipped. I lugged the heavy box of silver into my apartment and stashed it under my laundry basket in my closet (just in case someone breaks into the apartment Hell-bent to snatch my mothers/grandmother's/great-grandmother's silver I guess) cuz that's what you do with silver right? As for the painting, it was well-wrapped and lying face down in the trunk of my car. I kept meaning to move it to our apartment, but never did. Each week when I loaded the grocerie