Showing posts from February, 2005
NO CONDO BUT THE NUMA NUMA DANCE MAKES ME SMILE! OK, just got the call from Joe that we didn't get the condo so the search continues, but I can't help feeling good because I'm watching Gary Brolsma's little flim snippet of him singing to an obscure Romanian song and doing the Numa Numa dance. Even my office mate Monica jumped up to dance with this kid. Cut and paste this into your browser and sing along! Mya He Mya Ha Mya HE Mya HAHA! Wee! All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
HERE'S THE PLAN: I'LL DETONATE MY SHOES! As you may recall in my blog about explosives and how everyone is using them these days back on May 7, 2004, I am daily hearing about the constant explosions and detonations and um explosions happening around the world. Since hearing about Richard Reid's appallingly stupid attempt in 2001 to blow up a US Airways plane with explosives in his shoes, my mind occasionally turns to him. Now they've found a conspirator who was also supposed to blow up an airplane by igniting his shoes - but chickened out. Honestly, how badly does your life have to be going… or how completely devoid of intellect do you need to be to find yourself stepping gingerly aboard a plane to blow your feet off and hopefully by extension… the entire plane. Wouldn't it have served him right if he'd blown his tootsies to smithereens and the rest of the plane just experienced a temporary hearing loss from the concussion? Oh, and a bit of coughing from the
THE STAIRS, THE CHORES, THE MADNESS Last Thursday night our trainer saw how burned out we all are, so she announced that she had a idea. As we lay panting on our mats she said in her heavy French accent, "Clearly you should all take a rest, so everyone go home and take a hot bath tonight and just rest up tomorrow night. We can make up tomorrow's workout by working out on Sunday. We can do the Santa Monica steps. How does that sound?" That was how Joe and I ended up shagging our asses up and down cliffs in Santa Monica for 2 hours this weekend. I followed the directions and parked the clown car at the base of an enormous cliff in the trendy beach community. I'd been swigging from my water bottle so I already had to pee as we all stretched out and eyed the steps that go straight up and out of sight. Our trainer announced that the first trip (the FIRST?! What the? I didn't think I could make it up to the top once… let alone twice!) up the steps we'd take them
I WANNA BE A BURGLER - KINDA Here's the deal. Last Friday, while it was pouring and I was zipping home from work, Joe called my cell. "Ivy! I just got a call on that condo we keep driving by and the agent gave me the combination to the lock box. Can you swing by and see it?" "By myself?" "Yeah, I'm in Santa Monica and you're right down the street from the place." "Will the owner be there to show me around?" "No, the owner is in Miami and her boyfriend works during the day." "Just retrieve the keys and wander around someone's condo unsupervised?" "Yeah. Call me and let me know how you like it." "I don't remember the address or unit number." "783 LaPeer unit 410 the combo is A-R-C" "mmmmmOK." I drove through the rain chanting 783, 410, ARC. 783, 410, ARC. 783, 410, ARC. I pulled up in front of the building and stepped out of the car. There was no one on the quiet stree
DON'T OWN A BUSINESS IF YOU CAN'T RUN A BUSINESS In the lobby of my office building, near the deli, is a hair salon. 90% of the time it is closed with business cards stuck in the door frame - apparently in an effort to get people to call for an appointment. I'm not sure how that works, do you call a machine and leave a message? The salon has 5 stations and a manicure area. The only person who works there is a woman I'll call Madge. She owns the space. I recently looked at my hair and saw that I was in dire need of a trim. The ends were looking, um let's just say, less than uniform. I saw that she was in the salon on my way to grab lunch and popped in. She said she could take me at 3:00 so I made an appointment. When I came back at 3:00 she wasn't ready but didn't look away from her client (who I found out was her mother) to acknowledge me. I sat taking the place in. Finally she bid her mother good bye and at 3:15 she thanked me for waiting and ushered me t
YOU'LL VIRTUALLY NEVER BE LONELY A while ago I read about ibots that will talk to you via instant messages online. You can select an ibot that is your age and has similar interests to yours. If you're a teenage bookworm, you can pop online and im Sunny who will gush about the ending of Wuthering Heights while responding to you exclaim over Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The ibots carry on conversations you'd be comfortable with like shopping trends, complaining about school homework, dishing about movies and sign off with comments like, "Catch you later, don't forget to tell me about your date with Kevin!" if you'd discussed such a person. They're subsidized by corporations that are selling to your demographic so your bookish ibot may be brought to you by Your sports buddy ibot may be brought to you by Nike. Your foodie ibot created by Kraft Foods. I love that idea. There are too many lonely people in the world who would just like some
"IT NEVER RAINS IN CALIFORNIA But girl don't they warn ya? It pours, man it pours." I can't recall the one hit wonder 70's band that wrote that gem, but I found myself singing it to myself as I beat a hasty retreat back to the apartment yesterday afternoon. We've been having periodic thunderstorms here in LA which is no longer a big deal - after 3 days, we're blasé about a big flash of light and a thunderclap that is so close and so forceful that all the car alarms go off at once. We have nerves of steel now. Yesterday I had the day off work and was planning some chores around the ebb and gush of the storms and looked out to see that the sun was glaring. Hey! My window of time! I tossed on a sweat jacket and ran for the bank. What was I thinking? No sooner had I gotten a block away when I heard the thunder claps and the sky went black and dumped on me. My fleece sweat jacket gulped the rain like a sponge and hung on me like lead as I loped back to the ho
THE ELEVATOR SLURPER AND THE ELEVATOR WHEEZER Please don't let the day continue at this rate of annoyance. Please don't let it, I don't think I can take it. It started out with the elevator ride from my apartment to my lobby. I stepped inside and stood beside a small non descript Asian fellow who nodded 'good morning' and then gently put his lips to a Styrofoam cup and gave a long…deep slurp. Not just a regular slurp, a really elongated intake of air with a smidgen of coffee being whisked into his mouth with the rush of air. Involuntarily I tensed with agitation which caused my tired and tender back muscles to shriek in protest. I took a deep cleansing breath and ignored the Slurper. He swallowed and as the elevator started to move "sscchhOOOOOcchhcchhsssch!!" aarrgghh what was he drinking? Clearly something too hot for the human mouth to come into contact with safely. How about an ice cube for your tea sir? My thought process skidded to a hault as t
NO AUGMENTATION PLEASE Know how sometimes you're just minding your business and recall a dream that you had which you hadn't recalled upon waking? Actually, this kind of dream recollection could be the reason for some many confused people recalling repressed memories of sexual abuse (can you hear me Ann Heche?) which is really creepy. I mean, I'd consider this dream to be a memory except for the fact that I don't have implants - it was that vivid. Confused? Well, here's the deal. I dreamed last night that I had to get breast augmentation. I came slamming into the apartment and griped to Joe that I'd just gotten the news that I had been scheduled for breast surgery, and that I really didn't want to get a breast enlargement, and shit! my mom had been in such awful pain after hers and so drained of color after the surgery and it took weeks for her to recover and they never quite looked right and you could totally see the scars. And Joe offered advice to can
A TOWN OF TEEN THUGS? It's been all over the Trib for the past few days that a 20 year old was killed in a brawl by a bunch of teenagers in Burlington, a western suburb of Chicago. Apparently two groups of teens have worked up quite a bit of animosity towards each other. They spent weeks leaving threats on each other's various cell phones, etc. and finally decided to meet for some major mob action under a massive oak tree where a poor guy who'd shown up to extract his younger brother from the brawl was killed. Pretty fucked up eh? Well, not nearly as fucked up as the fact that this isn't unusual. It's what the kids do whenever they tork themselves up to a brutal frenzy… and always at the same big tree. What's next at the tree? Lynchings? What have their parents taught them? "Hey, make me proud son. Live a life so lacking in inspiration that you walk around dragging a big axe until you have the unstoppable urge to hit someone with it." Were the par
MY MOVIE WEEKEND, JOE'S CAMERA & GIMME THAT OLIVE OIL! Friday night it was late and rainy when I ran for my car after working out with our trainer. Joe ran to his car and headed off to rent some movies for our weekend. By the time I'd emerged from a hot shower, Joe was dumping a pile of movies onto our coffee table and we were set for ENTERTAINMENT BABY! First there was Open Water which completely blew us away … very quietly … and very slowly. It's a very low budget film made by a man and his wife during their days off and vacations over 3 years. It's about a couple who are having marital problems and lead franticly busy professional lives who go on a romantic vacation. The first thing they do is take a day trip out to the middle of the ocean to scuba dive. I wasn't sure how they'd be left behind, but there is a plausible explanation for why the crew miscounted as the tour participants get back onto the boat and the couple who is still playing around with
HI, I'M IVY AND I DON'T KNOW FROM TEFILLIN This morning wile perusing the Trib I saw an image that made me relive my encounter with terrorist terrorist man at LAX back in early 2004. If you haven't been with me that long, you can read the entire encounter by going back to Ivy's archives on February 6, 2004. The image in the trib was of arms wrapped in electrical tape and barely visible behind the arms were unmistakably conservative Jewish vestments. Oy vay! It's terrorist terrorist man! Quick! Call the airport authority! But no, the article let me know that it isn't electrical tape. It's tefillin! Tefillin is made of leather and wound just like I saw that odd young man doing over and over again at the gate on my way to Vegas. Apparently it's a bit like a conservative Jewish rosary and if you wind the tefillin correctly, it leaves faint marks on you that reminds you of your prayers. Then the article went on to say that when wrapped up and praying t
THE ELEVATOR UPDATE After seeing the signs posted in the lobby of my office building stating that we were undergoing an elevator refurbishment project, I was very cautious in my optimism. As I've mentioned, we now have "Captivate" TV which cycles propaganda in front of our eyes while we're lurching from floor to floor. But did you know they refurbished the buttons? Oh my yes. Someone was paid to pry off not only the old buttons inside the elevator panels but the ones on each floor lobby and replace them with flashy new brushed aluminum disks set into clear plastic housings. That was last week. This week the aluminum disks have fallen off which has resulted in 1) having to insert your finger into the hole that the disk was supposed to cover and push to call the elevator… or 2) having to insert your finger into the hole that the disk was supposed to cover and push to NOT call the elevator. Yes, approximately half the time nothing happens. So, let's recap. Chr
LET'S INVENT AN EVIL VACCINATION I was just reading an article titled "For The Worse of Us, The Diagnosis May Be 'Evil'" in the New York Times which starts off: "Predatory killers often do far more than commit murder. Some have lured their victims into homemade chambers for prolonged torture. Others have exotic tastes - for vivisection, sexual humiliation, burning. Many perform their grisly rituals as much for pleasure as for any other reason. Among themselves, a few forensic scientists have taken to thinking of these people as not merely disturbed but evil. Evil in that their deliberate, habitual savagery defies any psychological explanation or attempt at treatment. Most psychiatrists assiduously avoid the word evil, contending that its use would precipitate a dangerous slide from clinical to moral judgment that could put people on death row unnecessarily and obscure the understanding of violent criminals. Still, many career forensic examiners sa
THE HORRORS OF INCONTENENCE Last night I got onto the elevator in my apartment building with a well dressed woman who looks to be in her early 60s. She lives in the building and I've ridden in the elevator with her several times. The first time was when I was moving some of my boxes into the apartment. I grappled with my load of dishes and she pushed her way into the elevator exclaiming in a heavy accent, "Ach! The baby wet me! What can you do? It's a baby! Now I must change!" And whew she certainly had a strong odor of urine about her person. That baby must not have been wearing a diaper and just let go. But by now I've realized that there is no baby. The baby would have to be 4 years old by now because that's how long she's been making the excuse to me personally in the elevator. The poor woman suffers from incontinence. What an awful thing to suffer from! I mean when you're an infant and you just whiz you don't care. But once you learn to c
NAKED GUY FOUND & POPE NOT IN HEAVEN... PERHAPS KNOCKING ON ITS DOOR? This morning the Trib has announced that the chap who was wandering the halls of a Naperville, Il highschool in the buff has been apprehended: "Bryan S. Kane, 28, was arrested and charged Tuesday with eight counts of sexual exploitation of a child, three counts of public indecency and three counts of criminal trespass to state supported property. A Neuqua Valley student was credited with giving Naperville police license plate information on the suspect, according to Sgt. Joel Truemper, a Naperville police spokesman. The suspect is alleged to match the description of a man who was videotaped by school security cameras on two occasions in December and January. Kane was arrested in his home and was held in lieu of $400,000 bail in the Will County Jail. The videotape of the man had been broadcast by television stations in recent weeks in an attempt to identify him. "This is an excellent
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE NY TIMES HEADLINES TODAY? "Pope Admitted to Hospital" Lie! I happen to know that the little shrimp-shaped pontiff died late in 2004… right? He's not still alive is he? Ol John Paul II? Couldn't be. "Iraqis Claim Irregularities Kept Many People From Voting" Lie! I can't fathom that there were any irregularities what with us running the election and what with the citizens hating us and all… "Yachting Erases a Racial Barrier" If they're posh enough to be yachting buddies, there really are no barriers. Truly. "In U.S., White House and Democrats Seek an Edge" Politicos seeking an edge, is this really news worthy? Who is reporting on that whiz-bang story? Are they being paid for coming up with such a blinding flash of the obvious? "New Jersey's Acting Governor Does Not Want the Job Full Time" Hey Codey, I hear ya! I don't want my job full time either! Let's all
WHAT'S THE UPDATE? PLEASE DON'T LET THERE BE AN UPDATE... Recently I've been too busy to even blog. Too busy even to socialize casually at the office. Too busy to think (ccccchhhhhh insert white noise here). Don't get me wrong. I really dig my boss. She's fast, sharp, brilliant, oh, and let's not forget fast. She's been spear-heading a testing campaign with our various products and each product by nature has a distinct testing plan. It's been days that I've been trying to climb onboard the plans. Just when I think I've got the dates, offers, test versions, items, pricing, shipping/handling, collateral material configuration nailed down, I race to my desk and bang out an Excel spreadsheet with everything calculated and proudly hit Print. By the time I get back to her desk for approval of said spreadsheet she is responding to some late-breaking Instant Message or e-mail or waving me to the chair as she takes a call, "Oohh, sit down Ivy, ther