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Showing posts from March, 2005
MUGGER STEALS POOP I was just reading in the Chicago Tribune: SAN DIEGO -- This mugger was left holding a bag he didn't really want. Police said they were searching for a gunman who ran up to a woman while she was walking her dog Monday night and grabbed the bag she was holding. It contained poop. When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego police detective Gary Hassen said. He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at the dog, named Misty, and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Hassen said. The robber, who was believed to be in his 20s, ran to a waiting small, silver car and fled, police said. **************************************************************************** How stupid is this mugger? Who doesn't know that people don't carry money when they walk a dog. The bag is for poop. Idiot. Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content C
EASE UP IVY & GIVE ME MORE INTERVENTIONS! Now that I'm back up and around, I need to remember that I'm still not 100%… Still on Sudafed to keep my sinuses under control and I've noticed a few things… Elevator doors have been slamming on me The deli cashier is impatient with me I can't find things that I just had in my hand This means I'm slow in every sense of the word. Last night in my workout I had to sit on the floor for a couple of minutes before I realized that I needed to just throw in the towel and go home. I'd made it ¾ of the way through though and my muscles feel good today. Hey, I do what I can. Tonight there is no workout so I have a date with my bathtub where I shall soak till I can't soak anymore. Looks like a good night to bring my laptop into the bathroom and watch a DVD. No worry of electrocution, I park it on top of the closed toilet seat. Ahhh a plan! Then I'll have to see if TiVo has captured any more of that new show Inter
IVY BACK FROM THE DEAD & GET A JOB GIRLS That's how I feel like I'm back from the dead anyway. Last Saturday, at 9:50 A.M., as I lay on the sofa, feelin like crap, I looked at the clock and noted, "In 10 minutes it will be exactly a week that I've been sick." Geeze! It sure hung on that cold. Today I'm up, I have makeup on my face and my hair combed. Good for me. I have my gym bag packed in the hopes that I'll not only be able to put in a full day of work (I really can't keep going home mid day to sleep through to the next morning, Christ, I'll have bed sores soon!) but that I'll have enough in me to get to my workout.. for at least a bit of activity. I'm not going to push it though if I suddenly feel like I'm going to relapse. I feel all tingly and fizzy from my Maximum Strength Non-Drowsy Sudafed - but at least the river of snot has trickled off… eeww. Sorry, but my Alka Seltzer Plus stopped working days ago and I swear, I was r
NETFLIX THE PERFECT COMPANION FOR THE FLU As is my job as ½ the Ivy-Joe team, I slave to keep us somewhere on the technology wave. I forced us into DVDs, iPods, TiVo and now Netflix. I signed up for a free trial and quickly selected an eclectic list of movies to be delivered and voila! Last night the first two were delivered! No more traipsing over to the video store for me! I Robot unfortunately wasn't "Robots" like I thought - stupidly since it's just entered theaters and only in my medicine-addled brain did it make sense that it'd be available at Netflix on DVD. I'd seen I Robot and didn't like it so into its little return sleevy it went and I was left sipping my Alka Seltzer Plus last night and watching SuperSize Me. Holy shit that movie makes you think! It basically posits that we are helpless against the combination of addictive substances put together in McDonald's meals: Sugar, Fat, Red Meat and Caffeine. It also ends with a poll of nutritio
OUR DOLLAR HAS FALLEN - LET'S BLAME BUSH While taking my next dosage of cold meds I perused the NY Times which has an article on luxury-ready-to-wear items that we Americans can't afford anymore. Apparently our U.S. Dollar has fallen 30% against the Euro since 2002 so we're having difficulty purchasing Chanel jackets and Prada bags. Dammit! Can we get rid of Bush already? With him in office I'll never be able to buy that Chanel shearling coat which as of today is going for $27,000! If the dollar keeps falling, we'll all be wearing Kathy Ireland's K-Mart wear! For the love of Armani! Bring in the Dems! Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
YUCK THE FLU & JOE+IVY+DOG=LOVE How it happened I'm not sure, but I've been felled by the flu and lost an entire weekend and Monday miserably napping and sweating… and flu season is over isn't it? Joe took wonderful care of me and my desire for unhealthy food that I craved whenever I woke up. He ran off for Pizza, Hot Wings and Ice cream, he visited 2 separate pharmacies to get me cold medicine - because 1 box of daytime and 1 box of nighttime cannot be purchased at the same time due to all of the rampant meth labs and all doncha know. I dutifully sipped my Cherry Burst Alka Seltzer Plus Daytime cold medicine every 4 hours and then switched to Lime Alka Seltzer Plus Nighttime formula before bed and I've had some of the oddest delusions possible with this regimen. I mixed up a Discovery Health Channel program on brain tumors and an article in Martha Stewart Living on closet organization and found myself with a free floating realization that I had a malignant tumor
WE HEREBY SUBPOENA THE VEGETABLE TO APPEAR I've been following the Schiavo case - which is tragic and finds everyone in the family heartbroken by their loss of Terri who has existed in a vegetative state since 1990 - but today I almost fell out of my chair when I read that congress subpoenaed her and her husband to appear before them to testify. Um members of congress… she's a vegetable… she can't testify… her damaged brain can't process the difference between a congressional conference room and a hospice bed… First they meddle in baseball players decisions to juice or not to juice - which should be governed by the sports association itself - and now they summon this poor unconscious woman… well, her eyes are open so she's not conscious per se, but not asleep either. Big week for a group that is supposed to be fixing our energy crises, education crises, health reform crises, big fucking budget crises and bigger fucking deficit crises… and nuclear disarmament of a
PRENATAL BLISS I went to fill my prescription the other day for prenatal vitamins at Ralph's and the pharmacist remarked, "I'll share with you a little tip, take these before you go to sleep - not during the day." "OK. Why?" "They really upset women's stomachs so it helps if you sleep through the nausea." "Gotcha. I wonder if they're trying to get me used to morning sickness before I have to experience it…" So for about a week I've popped my vanilla coated horse pill just as I climb into bed and haven't noticed any discomfort until the other night Joe was having a crazed nightmare and was thrashing about. I started awake and soothed him quickly back to sleep - but was unable to get back to sleep for the powerful nausea that was sweeping over me! Yikes! That pharmacist wasn't kidding! On that disgusting note: Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! Ivy All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright prote
TODAY'S NOTEBOOK Just some randomness for the ol blog… I ran outside to grab an Ice Blended Mocha and was almost run down in the cross walk (with the little lighted walk sign person beckoning me onto Wilshire Blvd!) by a crazy woman. I waved my arms in surprise and she flipped me off. This would be an exchange not worth blogging about except that her Audi was sporting not only a Jesus fish on the bumper… but horror of horrors! Her vanity license plate was PRAZHIM. Go ahead God! Just take her off the streets! She's all yours. Fucking Christian menaces! The Chicago Trib has an article today stating that the Vatican has declared that you shouldn't buy or read the Da Vinci Code. Oh come on now! The Pope is like 2 years late with that edict. Is anyone still buying or reading it? We all thoroughly enjoyed it, but like how about addressing something before we might buy or read it. That's what we get from a Pope who's really ready for a Papal Old Fogey's home. What&#
OY VAY! THIS MASHUGGA HOUSING MARKET! Let me just say that where I work, the culture is not about long lunches and disappearing acts - it's more like work a good, productive full day and eat at your desk. I respect that. I work well in that environment. In fact, even in grade school, when I got a hall pass to go get something from the library, I went directly to the library and back. In striking contrast, the Walther Twins once included me in a hall pass to steer a big rickety old overhead projector to the auditorium and I was mortified when they started wandering the entire campus chatting with people, seeing what was on the menu in the cafeteria, and constantly shutting down my protests with "it's totally cool, we have a pass." What does a hall pass with the Walther Twins in 1973 have to do with our insane search for a home of our own in modern day Los Angeles? Well I'll tell you. But first I'll ask you something. Did you know that most open houses occur o
TOO OLD FOR ROCK CONCERTS & NEW USES FOR PHONES Dang! I found out that my fave singer Sondre Lerche is coming to LA to perform with Elvis Costello. The venue is right down Wilshire and couldn't be more convenient so I called for tickets. "Yes we have tickets available. $65 + fees for unrestricted and $95 + fees for restricted." "What?" "Did you want restricted or unrestricted?" "Uhh I don't know. What's the difference?" "This space has restricted which has open seating and unrestricted which has open standing room." "I'm not paying upwards to $65 to stand… so what exactly would I be getting for upwards of $95?" "Open seating." "Open seating? How does that work exactly?" "They open the doors and everyone with restricted arm bands goes and finds a seat in the segregated area." "No seat assignments?" "No and no guarantee." "Whaa? No guarantee?"
THIS MORNING IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS I keep running into a woman in my apartment building who is a dead ringer (no creepy pun intended) for Laci Petersen… and she's pregnant! God! It's totaly unsettling! Someone really should tell her to change her hairstyle or haircolor or something. Running into her is like seeing a ghost. Then there is the guy who is always out near where I park my car who looks just like The Night Stalker Richard Rameriez. Shudder! I blink and try to make his face look a bit different but nope, still The Night Stalker. Maybe he's related. This is So. Cal after all which was Richard's playground. How greebly! And I must say that the morning attendant on my parking level at work needs to fade. As I pull down the ramp each morning he starts to wander from where ever he is in the garage, over to the vicinity of my car. I go through the motions of shutting off my phone, putting on my iPod, stuffing sweats into my gym bag, gathering my lunch, purse
AGAIN WITH THE LA MARATHON Joe and I dread the LA Marathon. Sure, we used to dread the AIDS Walk, but that was back when I lived next to Paramount Studios who hosted the event and made sure - with tactical precision - that I couldn't leave my apartment during their festivities. Now we're in the armpit of the LA Marathon… mile 19! doncha know. The volunteers start laying out road barriers on Wednesday and Thursday along the entire route. On Saturday they start putting them in place and there's no driving in our neighborhood. The volunteers don't have maps (at least not accurate ones) so if the route says 6th will be closed up to Cochran, you assume you can drive through at Cochran. Maybe the volunteers had extra barriers and didn't want to waste them so they decided to put them across Cochran too. Ah, walking to the grocery store and seeing the snarled traffic trying to do U-Turns at Cochran made me glad I'd planned ahead and wouldn't be driving this weeken
NO MORE HAPPY SHOT Yesterday I went to my OB/GYN and instead of getting my scheduled Depo shot… went off birth control. She's been asking me for years when Joe and I plan to start a family so she almost dropped my medical file when I told her we were ready to play the baby lottery as it were. Funny thing doctors. They're so adept at fixing things that she declared that it would take about a year for my cycles to start again - but that I should come see her in 6 months and she'd see if she could get my ovaries kickstarted. Vroom vroom little ovaries! I asked how and she proudly explained that her first plan of attack would be to put me on 10 days of progesterone and on the 11th, my little egg manufacturers might get the hint to… um well, manufacture some eggs. Which made me think of my little eggs and the fact that I'd never planned to use them and all of my recreational drug use years ago. What if my eggs are scrambled? But hey, I was never some crack whore or addict
I WOULDN'T CALL HER "CONFUSED" I had to pick my jaw up off my keyboard when I read my favorite advice column in the Chicago Trib today. No, confused doesn't remotely approach this bitch… but due to my leanings toward repetitive profanity, I find myself without words to describe her: *********************************** Dear Amy: I am divorced. My daughter is a company representative and travels for her job. Last October, when my daughter was seven months pregnant, her husband confided in me that they had not had "relations" in over a month, and weren't going to until six weeks after the baby was born. We were both under the influence of alcohol and things got out of hand. He convinced me that he needed loving. I'm ashamed to say I was more than willing to give it, and this happened numerous times during her pregnancy. I told him he wasn't allowed any more "support" from me once the baby came. Last week my daughter went to a sales sh
DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI! I've found my Numa Numa song! The Romainian band is O-Zone and Dragostea Din Tei has something to do with Linden trees. O-Zone is just all bubblegum pop fun but I have a co-worker from Romainia who is horrified that I like the song! While searching and shuffling my way through iTunes I snatched up a few of iTunes freebie singles: Anna Nalick's "Breathe 2 A.M." is really good and she has a refreshingly relaxed voice which I'll take after listening to Beyonce's acrobatic warbling all night during the Oscars. Personally I'm of the opinion that you sing so that your voice gives people pleasure. Why is it lately that people sing with only the obligation to impress "Goodness! That Christina has a 2 octave range! Sure, she gets really loud and shrill as she approaches the limits of her voice, but MY that's impressive!" Diana Anaid's "Last Thing" makes me feel all Joan of Arcadia and Gilmore Girlsy which is a good
MY KINGDOM FOR A HOT BATH All I wanted last night was a hot bath for my legs. That's all I wanted. Needed. I limped down the hall to my bathroom and cranked the hot water. As I undressed I drizzled some lavender gel into the rushing water. Then I grabbed my book and dipped my toe into the bath. SHUDDER! Ice cold. I'd have yanked my foot back, but didn't have the strength to move quickly. I removed my foot from the bracing artic water and limped over to the phone. My building management yawned that they were repairing the boiler and it should be "A-OK" any minute. I huddled on the couch rubbing my shins and new strong calves desperately watching the clock. Every 5 minutes or so I'd limp into Joe's bathroom and try the water. Nope. Finally at 11:00 I gave up and went to bed. At 12:58 I woke up to pee and sleepily turned on the hot tap - scorching my left hand. Yup. "A-OK!" I limped back to bed promising myself I'd wake up early and soak my