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Showing posts from April, 2005
ANOTHER LA WEEKEND
Let's see, what's up this weekend? Chores, errands and I'll be packing for my business trip on Monday. Joe promised me that we could go to the La County Museum of Art. Hang out and mutter arty rhetoric in front of paintings for other people to hear, "Here we see his oeuvre shift to a hyper realistic meta-deconstructionist questioning of inconsequential events..." I may even wear my beret. Too bad we don't smoke anymore. Maybe I'll borrow a cig and just dangle it from bored lips.

Now I'm just counting down the minutes till I get to start my weekend. Tick tick tick tick…

Ivy

All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
HOW'S MY NECK? THANKS FOR ASKING
As I promised Dr Onoda and Joe, I've done my little neck exercises every day. Several times a day. I feel a bit silly, but I cock my head to the right and then with my left hand, I press against the side of my head and gently exert pressure back to lift my head. Then I do it on the other side and alternate a few times. Gentle is the key word cuz I think I could totally figure out a way to paralyze myself if I really pushed against my hand with my neck muscles.

How pathetic would it be if I Christopher Reeves'd myself using nothing but my left hand against my head?

But truly, since all that time being sick, and then jumping right into workouts again, I've been feeling achey and a bit blah. So last night I grabbed a workout off my shelf that I've never done before. It's part of Debbie Sieber's Slim Series and it's called Cool It Off! I popped in the DVD and was saddened to see that it was an entire hour long. Dang. I was hop…
ODE TO DHC
If any of you read about the recent vicious attack I perpetrated on my own chin in an effort to eradicate a blemish, then I'm sure you'll be super excited to read a scintillating skin care update. Yes, I agree, I don't think I could possibly be more self involved now that I've taken to blogging about my personal hygiene… but I've embraced my self-involvement and am currently sitting all cozy and snuggly with my self-involvement and ready to share more intimate details about product and pores. And how my pores react to products… and more because my self-involvement has a warm fluffy center that we're going to take a journey into - you (oh faithful reader) and I. There we can just kick back and relax in my self-involvement softness - kind of like a really luxe beanbag chair.

So, during my alligator chin days, I was ignoring its horror and quietly ready Martha Stewart Living and there was a tiny ad for DHC. Hmmm, what the hell is that? I mean, could they …
THE DEMISE OF DR ATKINS' DIET?
I had to chuckle when I read the first article stating "The Atkins Craze if Over" because all of the big companies like Nabisco have failed to make money with low carb brownies, etc. Oh yes, they all jumped on the low carb band wagon and created low carb teriyaki sauce and low carb chocolate pudding, but puh-lease! Those clearly aren't allowed on the Atkins diet. Sure, if you just can't live without a meal replacement bar - Atkins does provide a lower carb version or sugarless catsup, but the first rule of Atkins shopping is Buy FRESH produce, protein and dairy. The second rule is shop around the PERIMITER of the store. Don't go into the aisles with the stuff in boxes. Hmmm, since that is where all the Frito Lay and Nabisco and Wonder products are, I think it bodes well that none of those low carb products sold.

No need for low carb salad dressings, just use fresh citrus, or vinegars and herbs and extra virgin olive oil. Healthy a…
WHY SO BLEAK SARAH?
The other day I grabbed a bunch of chick CDs and fed them all into my CD changer in the clown car. I was cruising along to Shaun Colvin, Shelby Lynne, Iris Dement and this morning it flipped over to Sarah McLaughlin. Hmmm, la la la ruins of my soul, da da da, wringing my hands for strength, hmmm the darkest depths, de de de hanging on in my oblivion, mmmm you leave me scarred and bring me to my knees…

Jeeze Sarah, what kind of romantic choices do you make girl? I mean we all make some crappy mate choices - or one night stand hookups that didn't make us feel light and sunshiny, but either you're naturally an overly negative dramatic, or you seriously need to get yourself some Prozac… stat!

Ivy


All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
JUST CALL ME MONEY BAGS & I HATE BANKS
So the next phase of my project has me in San Diego for 4 nights next week. Lot's of nice people will be working with me and my team, and today we figured out what their meal per diem adds up to lots of money. I then asked accounting how we typically get that kind of cash to hand out. The answer was they'd write a check to me and I'd cash it. Trusting people these employers of mine!

So tomorrow I'm going to my bank and getting the kind of cash they'd hand me over if I was Bonnie Parker. I wonder what I should bring to carry it all to my car in. Maybe a spiffy briefcase. Or maybe I should ask them if they can stuff it all in a big canvas bag with a bit $ sign on it. That way after the teller* counts out piles of bills to me and everyone in the bank has made cell phone calls to their unsavory friends - I'll be a really obvious mark to be bumped off while making my way to the car.

Maybe I should take St. Karen along with me …
THE QUICK ADJUSTMENT, WHAT I DIDN'T SAY & DOWN TO THE O.C.
Last Thursday night I woke up with a crick in my neck. A really good one. Woah, must've slept wrong. I massaged my neck a bit and took more care in laying my head back onto my pillow. The next morning it was still there, but I forged on. At the office I was up to my neck (ha neck ha!) in documents that I needed to create and deploy minute by minute for a new project that was launching under a murderous deadline.

Friday night I came home and not only did my neck still hurt, but my right wrist and hand as well. I complained to Joe:

Me: It's always something with me. I'm such a goddamn wimp! Now my wrist is sore.
Joe: Yeah, why are you always hurting?
Me: I'm defective. I should have died at birth.
Joe: I'm afraid so sweetie. I hate to agree with you but at least your neck is defective.
Me: I'll see Dr. Onoda and from now on, I'll do those neck strengthening exercises he's given me every day.
Joe: …
THE LUSH EXPERIMENT
I'm always looking for new products to try on my hair. The quest for moisture, shine and softness never ends. Honestly, there are times I wash my hair when it isn't dirty, it's just dry and I have to wet my hair to get the conditioner to distribute properly. A recent adventure into hair improvement took me to a site in Canada for LUSH products. Fascinating goodies they have those LUSH peeps! I was captivated by their solid bars of shampoo and conditioner. How exotic! How daring to take your shampoo and rub it over your noggin like a bar of soap. It doesn't seem quite right, but I wanted to do it. I dropped a slice of the Trichomania shampoo into my virtual basket. Mmm yummy coconut oils! Come to mommy! That should equal moisture and shine!

Then I found Jungle hair conditioner, also in solid form with oodles of fragrant flowers and cocoa butter. Shut up! Tossed that into my basket too.

So last night I received my package and rushed home to happily rub b…
THE OUTDOOR OFFICE & DOG ATE MY REMOTE
Yesterday I had to leave my office around 11:00 A.M. to go to a film shoot at my client's home in Santa Monica. Because I'm not the director or one of his crew, I don't have any reason to be at the heart of the action - so I bring my work and sit off to the side. In this instance, it was outside on the patio. I had lots of calls to make and logistics to arrange for another project so I laid out my papers and files and notes and went about my business. During actual "quiet on set" filming there was no talking aloud - even on the patio so I'd lower my voice and slink to the driveway with my cell phone to keep conversing. Then I'd trot back to the deck to make notes and get another number to call.

The shoot went great! But I was out there from noon to 6 and on the right side of my body I'm a lobster! I'm so red that my skin has white blotches. The part in my hair is burned. Guess how I found that out? I ran a …
NO NEWS BUT POPE NEWS
You know how I love to nibble the tasty edges of the stories in the Trib & NY Times and then go off on some partially informed tangent about what I've just read. Well, I'm starved for news. It's all pope all the time now. For days and days. Any news other than the doings in Vatican City? Nope pope pope-itty pope pope pope. However, on the pope front there is the disturbing sideline that Cardinal Law who was ousted from his lofty position in the Boston Archdiocese years ago due to his protection of priests who were repeatedly molesting children is, um, how did they put it? "Is a powerful kingmaker who traveled internationally for the church and whose favorite priests were regularly appointed bishops by John Paul. After he stepped down in Boston in 2003, he was given a spacious apartment and a prestigious although honorary post in Rome as archpriest of the Basilica of St. Mary Major."

You know, I've long believed that the pope was too ol…
JUST BLOGGING ABOUT A FEW THINGS
Because there's no one here to stop me.

I was perusing Mimi Smartypants' blog and found this odd little rant of hers:
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"The Indiana state poem is GODAWFUL. Many things about Indiana are not worth remarking upon (sorry Hoosiers but it is true); however, their state poem is very remarkable FOR THE AMOUNT THAT IT SUCKS. And I think it was written by a crazy person, get a load of this:

I must roam those wooded hillsides,
I must heed the native call,
For a Pagan voice within me
Seems to answer to it all.

WHAT?

But wait, it gets worse! In the very next stanza, even!

I must walk where squirrels scamper
Down a rustic old rail fence,
Where a choir of birds is singing
In the woodland...green and dense.

NICE ELLIPSES, JERK! What, you just trailed off there for a second? Is this like the Petit Mal Poetry Slam?

"Indiana...is a garden." AHHHHHHH!""

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That Mimi cr…
A SLICE OF LIFE
Let me just give you a snapshot of yesterday. Come with me on a tour of my recent experiences…

Wednesday night around 5:00 I started doing little "ah-hems" to clear my throat and after about 40 minutes, realized that I had a sore throat that was becoming severe. I was also losing my voice. My office mate Monica declared ominously that I must have caught the monstrous sore throat that made her lose her voice last week. Great.

I didn't work out because my trainer is out of commission for a week (thank you thank you) and spent a while chatting up my fab sister Babs on the phone and diagnosing her horrific spider bite.

I set my alarm clock (which is like super technical and I still don't know where to insert the batteries) for 5:00 and then I watched a bit of TV with Joe and crashed.

In the middle of the night Hannibal - who likes to sleep in my bathroom sink can-you-say-hygenic? yes I know - climbed on my back soaking wet - yes the sink drips - and woke me up…
MY WORST ELEVATOR FEARS!
So you all know that I fear the rickety elevators in my apartment building and office complex as well as sundry others that I have to ride frequently… so the story of the poor Chinese food delivery man in the Bronx for Happy Dragon restaurant struck terror in my heart!

He delivered the large order of curried shrimp with onions and a small fried rice and then got stuck in the elevator between the 3rd and 4th floors of a 38 story building… for 81 hours! GASP! He couldn't even eat the fucking curry because he'd just handed it off!

Just as I've always known in my heart of hearts - calling for help and hitting the Alarm button and even talking to a real live person on the intercom - did him no good! Arrrgghhh!

Wanna know why the lady he talked to on the intercom didn't summon the fire department (or anyone with a crow bar?!) over the weekend? "Because I doesn't speak Mandarin and couldn't understand him."

But he buzzed her over and over…
POWER TO THE PROSTITUTES!
Today in the Chicago Trib is an article stating that the Illinois House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a measure that allows prostitutes to sue their pimps.

" Under the measure, which now goes to the Senate, the prostitute would have to prove in court that the pimp profited from the sex trade, recruited prostitutes or trafficked and maintained them. The pimp could be held accountable for his victim's financial losses, personal injuries, diseases and mental and emotional anguish."

Now I ask, is there a pimp alive who isn't going to be slapped with a lawsuit about 12 hours after that's enacted? I mean, come now, it's not like these men are kindly little caretakers who are genuinely interested in these women's health and personal independent financial stability. They're PIMPS. Not Mary fucking Poppins.

CASE #1
Prostitute: Your honor, I'm suing for mental and emotional anguish.
Judge: What are your grounds?
Pros: I go…
IVY & JOE ARE FURIOUS
Last night I watched some sort of science program that was trying to find out what wiped out the Wooly Mammoth population so long ago. Scientists where hypothesizing that it was disease. They were searching diseases that jump across species and then the show took a really disturbing turn. Footage of sick and diseased zoo animals started playing across the TV. One heart breaking image was of a beautiful and magnificent male gorilla gingerly wringing his hands which were covered with measles. Joe and I freaked out.

Apparently no one talks about it, but scores of animals catch our colds, flu, and diseases because we fucking humans don't have any kind of common sense to stay away from the animals when we're sick.

Hey, parents, if your kid isn't 100%, maybe you want to spend the day at the art museum instead. Or better yet, keep the kid home for rest, soup and perhaps a game of crazy eights!

You know us humans. It happens that we don't think and just …
JUST CALL ME CROCODILE IVY
It's official. I'm falling apart. Not only am I too weak to surmount this flu bug… which incidentally I blame for Joe's unusually rude comment this morning as we were pouring our coffee…
Ivy: Cough!*
Joe: "Dang Ivy! Your coughs are like gunshots! So violent and loud!
Ivy: "Yes, I know you find sneezing and coughing loud and unsettling. I can't help coughing and these particular coughs with this particular flu ARE violent which is no picnic for me, the poor bitch experiencing them from the inside out…"
Joe: "Geeze. Especially in the morning…"
Ivy: " but thank you for making me feel guilty and self-conscious about them darling."

*The only positive thing I'm clinging to is that they're not coughing fits which my coworkers are experiencing that start coughing and keep at it until they sound like they're going to barf. Just a good cough every 10 minutes or so.

But what with all the sweaty hours of napping fac…