Showing posts from September, 2005
TOO SORE TO MOVE BUT I’M LUSTROUSLY GOLDEN Words fail me. My body is so sore that I’m beyond reason. On Monday I tried a new workout that hasn’t hit the market yet. Yes, I do consider myself a bit of a guinea pig when it comes to fitness products. I’m reasonable and not afraid to modify if a move is beyond my ability to perform it properly – true I’ve been on a lucky streak that I haven’t ripped a tendon or caused my knee cap to fly off or something equally permanent. So there I was in the gym two days ago with a couple of workout pals. We’re the hard core gym rats you can set your clock by each day. We are eager to try this new routine. We cruise through the warm up… but don’t feel really warm yet. We perform our first cardio burst and it feels a bit disjointed and odd. We start exchanging darting glances to each other as our bodies weakly protest. By the 30th rep of these sweeping sideways pendulum lunges on each side my body sends a warning signal, “Hey bee-otch grab some floor!”
RICHEST CHICAGOANS & WE’RE DONE FOR Ty Warner is worth $4.4 billion. Hmmm, more than the Wrigley Jr. and more than the Pritzker family (but not combined) who seem to have donated a huge quantity of rare artwork to the Art Institute –which is the only reason I recognize their name. What made Mr. Warner so mind-blowingly wealthy? Beanie Babies. I tell you, I’ve been annoyed by those little things since they came out. Mushy little suckers. Why? Because of the people I’ve seen who collect them. That’s why. Yeah, that’s right, collect them. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I think there is no problem with buying one and handing it to a whiny toddler to shut them up, or adding to the top of a child’s gift to make the package look enticing. It’s the collection part that gives me the willies. Kinda like when you’re invited into someone’s house on a cold winter afternoon while selling Avon and you suddenly find yourself surrounded by themed salt and pepper shakers teamed up in little twosomes all
JEFKINS IS THE NAME & THE FERTILE POSSIBILITIES This morning I entered the elevator and was confronted by, “I can work your body.” I wasn’t quite processing what he said. “Wa huh?” “Names Jefkins, I’ve been up since 5:30 this morning working out. I’m a trainer and I promise I can work your body. You know being fit isn’t just for the moment… it’s for life.” Why do I live in LA and work in Beverly Hills? Is there anyplace else in the world where you get pushed up on by personal trainers? I smiled at Jefkins and took in his mac daddy persona. He looks just like Bobby Brown, only in shape, and was all tricked out in nylon workout togs with bling around his neck and on 7 fingers (I counted) and both wrists. He smiled at me as I smiled at his bling. I was contemplating the kind of mother who would name their child Jefkins, clearly someone who aspired to have their son placed in a household that needed a gentleman’s gentleman. I mean, come on – is there another name more suited to b
SCARY HAIR & SCARDEY CATS This morning we’re having a bit of rain and last night we had a bit of a storm. This morning as I made my way to the car I watched a woman hunching and attempting to cover her hair with her hands as she ran for my building. What was striking about this is that the do she was sporting on her head was the most gobsmackingly awful abomination. Truly I couldn’t even conceive of a coif like that, and my mind stopped short of why someone would want to shield its catastrophe from the elements… …perhaps she is about to appear in a conceptual play as a poodle? That’s the only explanation I could come up with as I slowly walked to the happy clown car. Yes, that’s the best my brain had to offer. Why? Well, because I’m tired. Why am I tired? Well, Evadnae and Hannibal are frightened of thunder so while sleeping with 2 big cats on my head is something that I’ve become somewhat accustomed to, it was a whole other Oprah to attempt to get a modicum of sleep with them s
MR FLOP SWEAT & OUR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NEIGHBOR You might not recall the little blog item months back where I got on the elevator at work and a man climbed on with me. He was soaking wet and wheezing so badly I was overcome with contriving a plan for what I’d do in the next few seconds as he keeled over. Well, déjà vu this morning when I hop on and in comes the wettest man in LA. How has he remained alive for lo these past several months? He clearly is suffering from something deadly. But I do stand by my suggestion -- from last time I studied how he has sweat clear through his shirt and suit coat – that he should wear fabrics that do best when wet like a nice Egyptian cotton suit with a terrycloth tie… On to our neighbor, Mrs Morston. It must be exhausting to be her. She is a lonely widow who is never without her dour expression and prickly behavior. MM will pretend to ignore me when we both pop our heads out of our apartments to grab our Sunday paper. She’ll make odd comments l
A LITTLE EAVESDROPPING MYSTERY & WHAT THE FUCK TO WE KNOW? You all know about my penchant for eavesdropping, well here is one that I overheard while standing next to a man at the deli counter. In an exasperated tone he harshly whispers into his phone, “The only thing I’m uncomfortable with is your lack of confidence.” Why would someone else’s lack of confidence make someone uncomfortable? I mean, doesn’t someone’s lack of confidence cause THEM to be uncomfortable themselves? Then I started thinking, what if this guy, Mr. Gimme A Chicken Salad Sandwich, was a criminal master mind who had set up an elaborate caper and now one of his henchmen was starting to waiver. I mean, don’t most capers need good confidence men to pull the deed off? Where would Danny Ocean be without his confidence men? Certainly not divvying up millions! No sir! Where would the Usual Suspects be without their confi…oh, yes right, they’re all dead. But you get my point. I don’t have any more information becau
SERIOUS VET BILL? THAT REMINDS ME OF A JOKE! I just get a call from my mother, and we’re chatting when she remarks – “Oh! Hey, we haven’t talked since the night Joe rushed Evadnae to the emergency vet clinic. How’s he doing?” No, she doesn’t read my blog or she’d know. I tell her of the outrageous bill for his shy bladder and she makes sympathetic noises as mother’s tend to do. Then she brightens up, “Hey! That reminds me of a joke!” A woman takes her dog who isn’t breathing to the vet. The vet says, “I’m sorry, your dog’s dead.” The woman becomes enraged and accuses the vet of not doing any tests to see if the dog is really dead. So the vet goes into the back room and brings out a peppy Labrador Retriever who carefully approaches the dog, places his paws on the dog and then backs away shaking his head. Then the vet brings out a fluffy tabby cat from the back room and the cat approaches the dog, places his paws on the dog and then backs away shaking his head.. The vet then declar
I DON’T HEAR YOU, I’M ON A MENTAL SEBATICAL So what have I been up to? Um, learning how to use my new digital camera – which has resulted in lots of fun slide shows on my little Mac laptop, but oddly enough I still have no idea how to post pics on my blog like all the other cool bloggers do. I mean, the other day I was checking into one of my fave blogs and the gal was lamenting having to put up all of the excess veggies in her garden now that the season was turning. She asked, “Guess how many green beans I canned on Sunday?” then there was a photo of bushels and little red wagons mounded with beans and beans tumbling off the counters in her kitchen. The caption was “a shit load” That’s what I want to do with my camera and my blog damnit! Sounds like a job for my cool pal Dave. But that's something I haven’t actually been able to be ‘up to” these days. One of the things I have continued to do over the past weeks is meditate. I tell ya, for years when I heard someone say that t
THEY’VE MADE A SMUGGLER OUT OF ME Yep, I went to see Tut recently and was bummed to see that the artifacts are displayed in LACMA West which is an abandoned Macy’s and while the port-o-let potties and construction are a continuing bummer, there was the additional shock of reality that our Tut tickets didn’t provide access to the actual museum. This wasn’t a problem for Joe and I who are members, but Joe’s parents were with us for the Tut viewing and were unable to wander (across the construction zone) and spend a bit of time enjoying the permanent works of art on display. What a gyp. We arrived at 7:50 AM to take our places in the giant tent before entering the exhibit. There was no one giving any information and it was a bit understaffed that early – but hey, our tickets were in the 8 AM showing of Tut so there we were. No one spoke to me until a young man approached us and asked if we’d purchased the audio tour. We gave him our audio tickets and he handed over 4 head sets with the