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Showing posts from November, 2005
CHUCK NORRIS HILARITY OK, I'm getting used to my glasses, but they almost flew off my face when I got to the one about Chuck Norris' ability to make a woman climax. Help me... I'm hysterical! Top 30 Chuck Norris facts Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck deflected all three bullets with his beard. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: Pain, I deal it, you take it. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. The original them
THE GLASSES ARE HALF FULL Let me start off by saying what I can’t stop saying lately: But you don’t understand! I have PERFECT eyesight! Yes, I can see a facial imperfection on a supermodel on a catwalk from backstage and I can hear Jell-o hardening. I have super senses people. Let’s just give me a round of applause, shall we? So recently while laboring away at THE BIG REPORT I was scrounging through reams of junk data to find just the numbers I need, but employing a ruler to scan the numbers across the page… and I realized that I was experiencing eye strain. Huh. Odd. But then while driving home in the dark recently I had to squint to make out unfamiliar street signs. Huh. Odd. I mentioned this to Angela at work who promptly replied, “Go get your eyes checked, we have excellent vision insurance and the optician that most of us go to is right here in the building.” Huh. Make an eye appointment. So I did. Hey, I’ve got great insurance and maybe the doc can give me some cute little
A VERY UNEXPECTED BIRTHDAY WINDFALL So Thursday night I came home from work, the plan was to grab Joe and then head over to Dave’s apartment (picking up Chinese food along the way) and watching a movie. But as soon as I walked in the door I knew that something was going on. Joe was up to something. First the place smelled amazing and our entire apartment was lit with candles – candlesticks from all the different rooms were burning tapers in beautiful profusions with fresh flowers with long stems strewn ever which way. Even my candelabra was aflame. A big beautiful bouquet was on the dining room table with a card leaning against it. I was enveloped in a big hug and Joe wished me a happy birthday… 6 days early. The card had to wait while I noticed a large invitation to run away with Joe for the weekend starting tomorrow (Friday) up to Deetjens Cabins in Big Sur! Hell yes! He’d asked me to get Friday off a while ago so we could take a day trip – which I assumed would be a local jaunt
LOOK I’M A BAR! & DRIVING RANT I was flattered to learn that my home town has decided to commemorate me as a favorite daughter of the city with broad shoulders by opening Red Ivy! A pub that is described in this fashion: Red Ivy is a Cub bar with a separate dining room that is part of Palermo’s that features pizza along with traditional pub fare. The decor features loads of mahogany and exposed brick, including a 50-foot curved mahogany bar. And it’s dueling doors on Clark Street – Red Ivy has retractable aluminum and glass doors that open onto Clark, just like they do at Moe's Cantina across the street. But my blushing was cut short when I learned that this establishment isn’t named after me at all – but after the ivy in Wrigley Field. Ah well, I guess that’s fine. Mmm now I’m hungry for a big pan of Palermo’s Chicago-style deep dish pizza. Now, for all of you former fans of my driving rants from back in the day – I got a call yesterday from a friend who was born and raise