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Showing posts from 2006
SUPER SENSES & MORE BRAIN FADE
So far in my life I’ve only had to deal with my super keen morning hearing powers or “Bat Hearing” that maddeningly begins when I have just a few more precious hours of sleep before my alarm. This ultra perceptive hearing kicks in against my will and registers every sound inside or outside the apartment. I hear Joe munching his morning cereal down the hall, across the living room and at the other end of the dining room. I hear a woman talking on her cell phone out on the corner of 6th and Hauser – over a block away. No, I’m not kidding. I wish I were.

But with pregnancy, I have a new set of super senses – smell and taste – I’m confident that the keenness of my new powers rivals those of a bloodhound. And I can’t turn them off. Since the onset of my 5th week, I have become vulnerable to how people smell and how recently they’ve washed their hair or even their clothes. I am tearfully grateful to come into contact with a freshly washed individual who is w…
WHEN YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR OWN
It feels like I’m regressing and yet somehow fighting to become a grown-up all at the same time in preparation for the peanut’s arrival. Yes, it was a pea until Tuesday when I had my first ultrasound and now she has clearly grown into a peanut. There she was all snug in her swanky little pad. Like a billion bazillion more times cushier than Jeanie’s padded and pillow’d bottle that I used to covet mightily as a kid.

The peanut is busy chillin and placing orders on her cool intercom with all the jewel appliqu├ęs on it, “More placenta mummy.” “Mummy, be a luv and get me some kiwi, cantaloupe oh, and some of those divine blueberries.”

The peanut is so unbelievably tiny you wouldn’t think that I’d even notice anything yet, but it’s a steady process of discovering the peanut's drain on my system. In the spirit of my regression, here is my book report on what I’ve experienced recently.

There’s a Baby Inside Me June 16, 2006
By Ivy
IS THE WORLD READY FOR ANOTHER IVY?
Well, I guess ready or not…
It all started last week when Joe asked, “Did you call your doctor?” “Why would I do that?” was my puzzled response. “They left a message saying you were due to make an appointment the other day.” “Oh. Was it doctor crazy (my gp) or Dr Bo (my gyn)?” “Um, I think Dr Bo.”

So I called and made what I assumed was my regular 6 month check up as I’ve been doing with Dr Bo for 10 odd years. I got there on Tuesday 6/6/06 and checked in, peed in a cup and sat getting my blood pressure taken when Shatirika the nurse practitioner says, “Ivy, I wonder why you’re here, it hasn’t been 6 months.” “Really? I got a call that I needed to make my appointment…” “Hmmm…” she said as she examined my file. “Oh, here’s a note from the doctor saying that you’re actually trying to get pregnant and because you’re over 40 she wanted to see you if you weren’t pregnant in 4 months. She wrote that she’d see about putting you on a hormone therapy to try to …
A BUSINESS TRIP
Hello? Anybody in here? Well, I'll just tiptoe in while no one is watching and do a quick update. Hi, I'm Ivy and I used to blog here. Oh yeah, I've heard the complaints that I used to be so prolific... but I'm fresh out of 'I Give A Shit' so I'll just cut to an update of my life.

Hmmm, where to begin... one of my projects had me and my team jumping on an early flight to San Francisco to do a little reality TV at the home of a woman who is a big huge fan of our products, and in particular, one of our trainers - um, whom I'll call "DJCJ". So Lara and I arrive at LAX and are rushing to get through security when we get a call from the camera crew who are boarding the plane. Lara assures them that we’re close behind. Then Lara’s phone rings and it’s DJCJ who is not even through ticketing and doesn’t stand much of a chance of getting through security before the plane departs.

Lara has selected a fabulous designer bag and boots for the…
MY EBAY FORAY
Well folks, if you’ve ever wanted a chance to own something of mine, you’re now in luck. With the assistance of Mia & Dave, I am up and running on ebay. OK, not running and each activity I perform on ebay is fraught with lots of reading and examining the “More Info” links to ensure that I don’t fuck up and get banned or something. Let’s say I’m crawling on ebay shall we? So far I have purchased a Martha Stewart cookbook circa 1980s, with Martha sportin some pretty big hair on the cover for a mere .99 and got a good rating for quick payment… which hello, is quick because I received a notice that I’d won the auction (apparently it wasn’t much of an auction because clearly I was the only bidder!) and there was a button to pay by PayPal which I clicked and Poof! I’d paid my little tiny sum. Then I got great feedback from some nice bookseller and soon I’ll have a new cookbook. This e-trade is so satisfying in an instant gratification sort of way.

I have sold my first item, …
MORNING TRAVAILS
Here’s something that I’ve never experienced before. I got dressed for work today and did my usual morning routine of racing around the apartment before grabbing my keys and rushing for the car when the lining of the left leg of my pants let go.

Yes, it just let go. I was walking rapidly to the parking lot when I felt this silky sliding inside my pant leg and then heard this faint whisper and then almost fell flat on my face when a sheath of black silk pooled around my ankle and over my shoe. What the..?! I hopped on my right foot juggling my gym bag, purse, lunch and a case of bottled water (don’t ask) as I struggled to figure out what the hell had just happened to my shoe and clothing.

How bizarre! I climbed into the car and slid the unattached lining the rest of the way out of my pants and inspected it. It had ripped all the way around the top of the leg and just… let go. I stuffed it in my gym bag and headed to the office. What would make a perfectly good pair of Ban…
NEWS FLASH JOE'S POST ABOUT TOO DUMB TO LIVE
What have I been up to? Ah, you know, the usual. Working, watching the Food Network, uh, that’s about all. Doesn’t really explain my lack of time to blog does it? Nope. Nope. Nope, I guess it’s official. I suck. I am neglectful and I suck. *sigh*

I'll soon tell you what I've been up to in my typical self-absorbed and neaseating detail, I must first type these words dictated to me by an exasperated Joe:
“People who live in a high-rise and don’t know where the stairs are located are too dumb to live.”

Yes, Joe, I agree and in the event that said high-rise should catch fire, they in fact will die so there ya go.

Joe was fuming after an encounter with girls that were either extremely lazy or in the “too dumb to live” category that he personally invented (or was it Darwin who invented that category of humans?). You see, we were jammed into our apartment building elevator with several other residents when just before reaching the lobby the…
OK I'M WELL AGAIN BUT HAVE A FEW THINGS TO BITCH ABOUT
Sure, I had a some periodic Hell what with my cold and all in the past 2 weeks, but my favorite was Joe telling me not to get up and go to the office, and me saying, "sure, of course, even I can see I'm not fit to be up and around." and I got up and went into the office where I was promptly sent home for looking way to contagious to be around innocent co-workers, and I (under so much cold medicine that there is no way I was legally operating machinery) drive from work the few blocks toward home only to try to call Joe to tell him I lied to him and was in fact in the car, but mercifully on my way back home... but my phone was dead so I plugged to car AC adaptor/charger into the clown car and have the following conversation:

Ivy: Honey, I went to work, but now I'm on my way back home.
Joe: Are you nuts?! I told you not to get out of bed!
Ivy: Yes, I'm in a DayQuil induced dementia, but I'll just swing by Ra…