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Showing posts from 2007
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU & ARE THOSE DIAMONDS? OR ARE YA JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

I ordered a new mattress set online a few days ago, and have yet to receive anything beyond the order confirmation. Specifically a delivery date confirmation - which is key because I'm traveling and I work. I can't have my mattresses laying out in front of the building. I've called the good people of 1-800-MATTRESS and they like to tell me how valuable my business is to them and then hang up on me. I think I'm wearing them down because the 2 people who have been tag-teaming my calls know me by name. Of course, that doesn't mean that they can find my order - they can't access that screen in their system.

CS1: Hi Ivy, did we lose you again? To be honest with you, I don't know how that keeps happening.

ME: Yes, but now I'm used to it. I'm just hitting re-dial at this point.

CS1: To be honest with you, something is wrong with our system.

ME: Obviously. So, I need to verify that…
ICE CREAM SATURDAY -- NOT SUNDAE

Got up early for my 3rd attempt at evading Consuela. I had just fed Buddy and was racing to the door as she marched in through the front door.
Consuela: Ivy! Hello!
Me: Hi, ("dang!" under my breath) I'll be out of your way!
C: Mason gone?
Me: Yup. Yup. Yup (trying to get around her to get through the door)
C: Oh. How long Mason gone?
Me: Um, like the 3rd.
C: Oh. Yes.

I dashed past her with my coat in hand and headed to the office. I had a check disk to review and a friggin' self review to do which is due while I'll be at QVC so I had to get down and evaluate myself. Fuck! What a fine line between boasting and complaining. Erika did her first one last October and declared it a "criminal exercise". Too fucking right Erika! Shit!

Then I headed back to Mason's a few hours later and Fuck if Consuela wasn't still there scrubbing the perfectly clean home lovingly. I called Mason as I headed out into his backyard to sit and read a…
MORE NEIGHBORHOOD ESTABLISHMENTS

Sitting on Venice Blvd, heading back to Mason's I noticed a sign that isn't visible when you're heading the other way. Extra Terrific Donuts. I recall loving fresh Dunkin' Donuts as a kid - especially the Bavarian Cream ones. I thought they were terrific I guess. But they've got to be doing something illegal to make these donuts EXTRA Terrific. Mmmmmmm! More sugar? That would be something that the sucro-enthusiasts would find an improvement. How much extra sugar would deem the donuts "extra terrific"? Like an inch of sugar coating? Two? Three like making it the size of a football? Or maybe it's the service that comes with the donut like oral sex and they drop to their knees when you order the donut and you can have an O while they're ringing up the purchase and bagging your breakfast?

Then as I cross toward Beverly Hills on the other side of La Brea Ave, there is a sign that says in curly cursive script "Best&qu…
TWAS CHRISTMAS TIME
I spent Christmas Eve at Andrea's home. She is Jewish, but each year gets a group of her friends together on the night before Christmas. I was flattered, but didn't know if I was up for it. She sent me e-mails inviting me and I didn't know how to respond. In true 'girlfriend' fashion, she didn't back down.

AA: Please come Christmas Eve! You can help me cook.

Me: O! You're so sweet.

AA: Is that a 'yes'?

Me:I don't...

AA: I need your help and would LOVE to have you with me. Say 'yes'

Me: Yes.

So she had her assistant drop off a parking pass for her home at my office and I arrived early on Monday evening and saw her pop her head out of her front gate, "Ivy! Hi! Welcome!" and she disappeared.

I headed inside the front courtyard that is her front yard. I walked in, "Mmmm! Smells like"

AA: Sulfur?!?!

Me: turkey.

AA: Really? My sink just backed up and I poured Drain-O into it and it spilled and I don't know what …
THE MEAN GIRL and THE REPETITIVE NATURE OF IVY


So tonight Mason is going to the church down the block that the young man who lived through the shooting attends with his family. He's going to meet them, and drive them downtown to the flea bag hotel that they're staying in since the shooting. The young man still has a bullet lodged in his back that for some reason they haven't removed. (I hope it isn't just that he doesn't have insurance!.) Mace gathered collections recently and will give them an envelope of money and a cell phone that he's pre-paid for them to use in their relocation efforts.

MB: "So, Ivy, when you're done with your shopping and workout and work at the office today, would you like to come and meet the Santos family at their church and drive them to their interim hotel downtown?"

Me"Oh. No. You...no..."

MB: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Oh. Well. Go and spend time with the Santos family."

MB: "Don't you …
BACK TO LA AND LIFE, NOT DEATH
I returned on an uneventful flight to LA. I saw as each of my meetings was cancelled on my Blackberry and called colleagues to see if I actually needed to return to the office. They all said, "Nah, nothing going on." So I grabbed a shuttle to Mason's and grabbed the clown car so I could head home. I petted Evadnae and Hannibal, lay on the couch and watched a bit of Tyler's Ultimate on food Network and then headed out into the rain. Back in LA.

I grabbed groceries at Trader Joe's and sat in stopped traffic at rush hour. Yup, back in LA. I dragged everything into Mason's and noticed as I put away my crap that he had printouts on the table for District Attorney's Victim's and Witness Trauma Counseling next to the phone. Damn. Not a good sign since he'd already been going to see someone about the encounter.

I fed the animals and started in on my e-mails. Blah blah music clearance needs a synopsis of the new program with DJC…
THE SPA
I know that I've been working really hard for a long time. Blackberry/e-mails/constant phone calls/returning messages/weekend hours at the office/travel/travel/travel. But traveling for work isn't a "get away" and that's what I need. A GET AWAY. Time alone with no phones and no work.

Liz is watching Mason's for a few days and I booked a long weekend at a spa in Taos. Ahhh. SPAAAAHHHH.

I hopped in the Super Shuttle to LAX on Friday morning - my driver was like a cross between a stunt driver (not Stuntman Mike) and the kind of cab driver who can do the "Follow that car! Don't lose it!" kind of driving. We pulled U-turns to gain access to short cuts that should have been inaccessible due to medians and zipped through parking lots to avoid long left-turn lanes. As we roared through a Robek's parking lot off of Century Blvd, the elderly woman next to me looked up from her phone and remarked to me, "I LOVE this driver." My reply was…
SHOTS OUT OF THE BLUE
Yesterday morning I left for work, and Mason was in his back yard with Dexter, playing with him and talking on the phone with his friend Rob. Gunfire erupted nearby and Mason hung up to call 911 as he headed out his front yard to where the shots came from. He turned down the sidewalk while speaking to the 911 operator, he came upon a sad scene. A young lady laying face down in a widely expanding pool of blood on the sidewalk and 2 young men. One was jumping around hollering that he'd been shot - the other turned to Mason and asked if his friends would be OK. Mason asked for an ambulance and looking down at the woman, realized that she no longer needed one. He asked where the young man had been shot, and the guy told him his shoulder and his back. When Mace reported this to the operator, she told him to apply pressure with a compress BUT NOT A TOURNIQUET to the back wound. Mason stripped off his t-shirt and pressed it against the wound, then he got the young ma…
MASON'S IN THE HOUSE!
So Liz brought Mace back from LAX early yesterday evening and we caught up on everything that he cared to catch us up on. We looked at the most beautiful photos of the children at the orphanage that he's been documenting. Amazing! There wasn't one kid who wasn't beautiful. Like how is that possible? But there wasn't one building that wasn't really broken down or impoverished. Mace was wearing flip flops because he always leaves his shoes for the people of the village to keep and wear.

We munched dinner and Mason asked how I like his house. And Liz laughed and said, "Oh! Your house has been tormenting her." Mason looked hurt and confused until Liz and I brought him up to speed. Apparently the big alarm the other night WAS a motion detector for the editing bay out back! Yikes! But no one had broken in so I think I've figured out why the alarm is so ear-shatteringly loud. It is to scare the beJesus out of the would-be burglar who …
MIA BACKSTORY
Just for some context - let me just offer you this snapshot which I might have blogged about years ago - but it bears repeating. Mia and Lana visited me in LA and for an afternoon's entertainment we decided to shop on Rodeo Drive baby. So we are getting lots of attention in Georgio - that's Georgio of Beverly Hills for those of you who would recognize the yellow fragrance packaging - and Lana and I are sipping custom coffee beverages while Mia is getting people to search the Georgio storerooms for a pair of shoes. Then we decide to stroll up the street and we find ourselves in front of Jose Eber's salon. He was about as big as you could get back then so we stood outside and stared at the people who were going inside to have awesome hair treatments done. And Mia dares me, "Ivy, I dare you to go into Jose Eber's and ask for an appointment for, oh, anything and then check yourself out in the mirror and go, "Wait. Cancel that. I don't need anythi…
MIA YOU TWISTED DARLING
Just to let everyone know, Mia read about my having to appear on QVC while dancing for up to 1/2 hour at a time (at 2:00 AM the first appearance!) and her little e-mail to me was "awe I've seen you do that double-time freak move of Shaun's and You'll be fine. Forget the wardrobe, can't they just paint shorts and a bra on you like Demi Moore on that Vanity Fair cover?"

Uh.

Uh.

SSSSHHHHHHH my brain is like white noise right now.

How is it that my oldest and closest friend could be so cavalier with my body and psyche?

Uh.

Oh. Wait. That is one of the things that I love about Mia. She is perfectly matched to my temperament. I AM audacious, but only when it comes to things like getting my nose pierced while running errands for Spike - not being covered in body paint and doing the Frat Step on live HiDef TV.

Thinking.

Um, Mia, babe, I do have a valid point that must be raised. Demi stood sideways for that shot and had her legs artfully arranged to c…
ELEANOR AND THE PARTY
I headed out of Casa Mason in a more concerted effort to avoid Consuela. I had better plans than going to an unknown cafe and not eating and being disappointed by the quality of the water - but thrilling to the unexpected joy of hollering across a breakfast establishment. Now I was going to avoid Consuela like I pro.

I threw all of my clothes and crap into Mason's guest room and headed to Trader Joe's for more of Buddy's favorite cat food. Here's something that I've never shared before. I don't shop at Trader Joe's because the ones near my neighborhood have such criminally minuscule parking spaces (you couldn't call them lots) that you can't park. There. I said it. I live in such a dense area, that we have too many people to shop at Trader Joe's.

But Buddy is quite a good boy so I shall get him his food. I swung into a parking space at 8:40 AM and noticed people racing into parking spots and lining up at the door of the grocer…
MAISON D'MASON HAUNTED?
OK, the first morning of my stay, I was startled awake in the dark by Mason's alarm clock. Now, let's set that occurrence aside for now as merely Mace forgetting to disable his alarm when he departed for his early morning flight to Africa. Let's not attribute anything malevolent to that occurrence. But I'll get back to it.

Then we had the Ned hauntings, and I've not found any little effigy or voodoo fetish doll that would cause Ned to loom around Mason's bed. So set that aside too.

But last night, I turned the furnace down to save energy, and grabbed Buddy before climbing into bed exhausted yet unable to really sleep...and at some point I must have drifted off because I flew out of what felt like a deep sleep at the sound of a blaring alarm. The volume told me that it was an urgent alarm because it wasn't even like a smoke alarm that I often set off when cooking something in the oven after Joe has made chardogs in the broiler. Whil…
SOUTHPARK KIDS & QVC SOON
While driving this morning I realized what it is about the Arlington Heights kids that was nagging in the back of my mind. They all look like Southpark kids! Little Incan Southpark characters! I really do wonder about the true ethnicity of the people who immigrated to this area of LA. Cuz I don't know if Incans still exist. Isn't that a completely unabashed flaunting of my ignorance? Sorry. But I don't know and there's one thing that will always make you look like an ass and that is pretending to know something you don't.

Anyhoo. I got a call from my QVC rep and thank my Higher Power that I was sitting down when she delivered this news:

Peggy: I just met with the planning committee for your upcoming appearances.

Me: Yup, got the dates all set, the gang is set to book our travel.

Peggy: Yeah, well, you know how you're an on air testimonial?

Me: Yup.

Peggy: Well, um the committee really feels that you'd be more effective if you were dan…
I HAD TO OPEN IT!!!!
I know it! Loud Guy had to open someone else's mail! Right? He had to do it - like find out something and it was pretty easy because he just steamed open the envelope and Loud Woman was trying to make him feel better by validating that he had to do it!

Who's with me?

Right?

It listens!

Right?

Right?

Oh, you have better interpretations of what we overheard?

I'd like to hear em...

Ivy

All Red Ivy compositions, posts and blog content Copyright protected.
THE KIDS OF ARLINGTON HEIGHTS AND I'M GUNNA KIDNAP THE CROSSING GUARD
I'm diggin' Mason's neighborhood. Quiet, hard working but unlike the last Latino neighborhood I lived in - namely Echo Park "EchoparKAY" - I have not heard one rooster. Yeah, when I moved to LA 15 years ago (can you fucking believe it? 15 years!) I was unceremoniously driven to the top of a hill just at the edge of Elysian Park in Echo Park by my on-again-off-again-soon-to-be-off-forever-boyfriend Rafer. And not only were the neighbors all of Latin descent, but they had street vendors that provided their unique foods they couldn't get anywhere else...
...and they all had fucking roosters in their yards.

Odd, being a city girl, I had the preconceived misconception that roosters crowed at dawn - oh and that they belonged on farms - not in the yard of a home on a city street*. Thank you very much for that needless stereotype Disney cartoons, etc. Or maybe these were just really stoned or mild…
DODGING THE MAID, THE HOLLER CAFE AND THE LITTLE FROG
I woke up much earlier than I'd have liked to - my internal alarm woke me just minutes before I had to clear out before Consuela arrived to clean Mason's home. I pulled on clothes and as I was brushing my teeth I remembered that I had to feed Buddy - I clamped the toothbrush in my mouth as I grabbed a fresh bowl and dumped wet and dry food into it and placed it on the floor. Continuing to brush my teeth I pushed my feet into shoes - then rinsed my mouth and rushed out the front door. I have no idea why, but I didn't want to run into Consuela. Irrational no? Well, it's not much of a confession to admit that often I have no clue where ideas come from that get firmly lodged in my brain. I mean, I'm the one who as a kid thought that when I closed my eyes to sleep, it made our lawn sprinklers go on. Not too bright a child who didn't comprehend that after putting us kids to bed, one of the parents would do things …
MAISON D’MASON
I’ll be watching Mace’s place until after Christmas – and last night was my first night there. Ya know, I thought that spending an hour and a half on Monday night, learning about his state of the art lighting remote controls and fan controls and dimmers and TV/TiVo/Cable/DVD/Mac remotes and how to use the fire place and what plants to water and how his cat Buddy likes his food and where the cat supplies are and who to call if I lose my key or there is a plumbing issue and how to use the electronics and heater/air in his editing bay/gym out back and what gates to lock and which to leave open and when the maid comes and when the gardener comes and who his bookkeeper is who will let himself through the back to the editing bay/gym and the contents of his fridge which he firmly instructed me to eat so that he didn’t have to come home and throw it out. All of this while I was sipping a mighty delicious margarita with pomegranate seeds floating in it and crystals of yummy sea s…
SUNDAY CATCH UP: DIM SUM AND THEN SOME
This morning I walked to meet Erika, her sister Raquel and Raquel’s family, who were visiting from Switzerland, across the street at The Grove/Farmer’s Market for breakfast at DuPar’s. I was a bit surprised by the destination because Raquel and her husband Michael are international foodies who actually write restaurant reviews… and DuPar’s is only popular with elderly people who can’t taste their food and are comforted by the fact that the restaurant hasn’t changed since the 40s (which I guess makes it a landmark by LA standards).

So I wasn’t surprised by the call on my cell just before I crossed the DuPar’s parking lot – it was Erika who was with Raquel at Starbucks because they’d not been impressed by DuPar’s after all. They were now thinking of Dim Sum. MUCH BETTER PLAN!

I headed through the door of Starbucks and met up with the girls. Then we headed into the Market to meet up with Michael and Diego. Before heading to China Town, we wandered The …