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Showing posts from July, 2008
THE IVY DISCONNECT
OK. I know that people don’t get my personal disconnect. But I grow so unbelievably frustrated that I want to scream and claw my face. Wait. That composition of letters and fonts doesn’t properly express my message. I GROW SO UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATED THAT I WANT TO SCREAM AND CLAW MY FACE!

For my entire life, I’ve explained to people who seek to involve me in social situations, “I’m not social. I'd prefer not to do that.”
They scoff and tell me that I’m the most social person they know.

This is based upon watching me with people. I am friendly and engaging and well-spoken on a wide variety of topics that I can converse upon to make a dizzying array of people feel comfortable in my presence. I can bring someone into a room and put them at ease. I can form confidences quickly.

BUT I do that at a price. I don’t know why people gravitate toward me. I don’t know why people plant themselves in the door of my office and draw my attention.

My brother once said that people bloo…
VANITY, THY NAME IS IVY
How do I get myself into things? No. I'm really asking you. You all know me well enough - have my internal thoughts and impulses for years before you and must have that I-can-see-the-forest-cuz-I-don't-have-any-of-your-motherfuckin'-trees-in-my-way perspective that you can share with me right?

OK. Need some context for what I'm requesting? Need to know what particular "thing" I'm referring to? Well, it isn't getting myself shoved into an absurdly loud MRI coffin. And it isn't becoming BFFs with a bunch of lonely people. And it isn't climbing onto a counter and feebly disarming a motion detector during a violent storm in the middle of the night in only my RED Gap underpants. Nope. This is a new experience and I wasn't prepared for it. Why are there so many things in life that the people who should prepare you for.. happen to you but they don't give you the down low?

Down Low is HUGE people. Just give it to a friend …
I FEEL RIGID
It’s no secret that I tend toward rigidity. I don’t want to bend and I don’t want to be flexible – mentally that is. And I’ve remarked in the past, life forces me to loosen up a bit and try to go with the flow. I try. That's all I can say. I try.

Well recently I immersed myself in the practice of yoga. I really do love it for so many reasons. I feel detoxified, worked and somehow virtuous or clean aside from all the sweat. I’d been going every day to YogaWorks on Larchmont, trying every different class I could to experience each instructor and different type of practice (except the ones for pregnant women – I kinda felt like I would be viewed as an interloper and was frankly frightened of all those gushing yummy-mummy hormones that might seep into me).

I got great pleasure from experiencing my strength and took pride in my not-bad-at-all form and for about a week, the increase in my flexibility was encouraging. But then my right shoulder started to tweak as it has on and…
HIDDEN CAMERA? NO, MUCH SADDER
I started a new test group that is unique in the history of our test groups -- and recently met with all of the selected participants for an orientation. I stood up in front of them and gave them a complete rundown of the entire experience they'd be having during the group as well as everything they'd committed to and the list of activities they'd be participating in. I opened the floor to questions (and a film crew was capturing this for a news show) when the first question came out of left field, "I might be bad with gluten, has anyone called my mom?"

I stared at her.

1st Crazy: "I mean, I don't have an alergy or anything, I just like know. Like you KNOW with glucose."
Me: "I don't understand your question. Do you mean gluten or glucose?"
1st Crazy: "They were supposed to call my MOM!"
Me: "OK, um, WHO was supposed to call your mom? And I don't understand, you're clearly an adult and no…