Showing posts from January, 2008
WHAT'S UP? NOT ME. I didn't make it to Canada. Shaun and I were set to go up for 12 (count em, 12!) appearances on Home Shopping Network and I've never been to Canada. Best part is that I wasn't appearing at all on air. I was just supposed to hang out like a normal person and be a company representative. But NO. NO. NO. NO. Plane ticket purchased, check! Cars arranged, check! Resort hotel room booked by the helpful HSN staff, check! Dinner planned with Helen CG Canadian Girl all planned, check! And on Monday morning I woke up with The Cold of 2008. It better be the motherfucking cold of 2008. There better not be a cold in November or December this year or... or... or... I'll do something really rash like gargle with bleach or... or... I'm just sayin'. So, TC08 hit me early with a sinus pain that felt like someone had removed my eyes from my head while I was sleeping, pounded on them with a hammer and then placed them back in my head. Holy CRAP. I reached m
CLOVERFIELD AND OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS This weekend I went to the movies. Yes. I did. Don’t believe me? Well, I did. However, the movie was Cloverfield and it was shot in a shaking blurry style of filming in the style of The Blair Witch Project– but in Blair Witch, they were making a documentary and supposed to know how to use their camera, so the camera often was still. I get nauseas when I’m watching a movie and the camera spins or shakes, etc. So watching the first minute of Cloverfield I was looking at the screen out of the corner of my left eye to avoid feeling sick. Then I figured out that the entire movie would most likely be shot this way. Yes. The character “Hud” who was tasked with shooting some interviews and doesn’t know how to use a camera hangs onto it for the full 2+ hours of the movie and runs, and jumps and falls and climbs and… wait I’m feeling sick just thinking about it. Guess how soon I’ll be going back to the movies? What I kept picturing was getting back home an
UPDATE K-TOWN On the subject of Koreans and their close relationship with God; I sat in a traffic jam of biblical proportions last night trying to get home to Evadnae and yummy leftovers of my chicken with carmelized shallots and potatoes (with Paula Deen seasoning y'all)-anyway...I was sitting for a long time in front of a business called 'Catholic Supplies' with Korean lettering next to the English name. Hmmm, what must their stock room look like? I'm imagining crates containing little vials of holy water and crucifixes. OK. I could hear a heavily accented Korean voice "Attention all shoppers! We have a sale on priest vestments in aisle 2 and all of our Blood of Christ wine is 1/2 price!" Next time I find myself in need of Catholic supplies, I know where to go. But more likely I'll be availing myself of the plethora of HERBS that are sold chocka block all over the 'hood. Need herbs? We got herbs! We got tons of herbs! Also, Koreans like accupunc
K-TOWN LIFE Living in Korea town for only a few days, I can only give you my first impression. I've mostly been at work or traveling, or unpacking and hanging out with Evadnae inside my apartment -- but here is my at-a-glance perception of the area: Koreans like God. They like churches and I live steps away from The Gospel Nursery School. Koreans like Beef. Specifically they like to BBQ it. I will experience that soon. Koreans like Tofu. At the end of my street are both Tofu House and Tofu Village. I wonder which is the better eating establishent? Koreans like Anime. They have cool cartoon characters that show up in the oddest places, like on their food labels and signs for Internet Cafes. Koreans also like things that look like bunnies as many of the characters have some sort of ears pointing up like bunnies. And also they like their characters to have really round heads like cue balls. Koreans like to fertilize their lawns. Nice lawns in the area. Unfortunately they do it w
HEART-BREAKINGLY TALENTED So we all know how odd I am socially, and that I've gotten to a place in my life that I avoid big crowds a la opening night of 'Traffic' with Dave in Westwood. The line was around the block and it didn't bother him a bit, as he's a normal person, but I was all freaky because I don't belong in Westfuckingwood where all the red carpets roll out and the landmark theaters have the big premiers and all. Hey, the movie was amazing and I had a great time with Dave as always, but it's just a facet of my personality that I have that's getting quirkier. A quirk that I'm working out in front of you. Anyone wanna throw in some insight that I can bring to my therapist? Lay it on me and I promise I'll bring it to Dr Deleo. Hey, I'm so fucked up I'm assaulting mental health like Rambo and I'm not holding anything back which is causing him to say things like, "OK, we'll have to set that issue into another column of
THEY’RE GENTLE, THEY’RE GIANTS AND THEY’RE HERE TO HELP You might all recall the Gentle Giant Movers from when I helped Spike move a few months back. I basically called them to set up the process and then laid on her floor supervising them as I wrote a safety insert for a new program I was working on. Scribbling things like: WARNING! Failure to read this information can result in serious injury or death! And glancing up as the Packing Giants carefully gently packed all of Spike’s belongings up and wrapped breakables. It was then that I made myself a promise that the next time I moved (I didn’t consider that I’d be moving without Joe) I’d call the Giants. The next day I lay on Spike's floor writing a guide booklet as the Moving Giants carried each item down to their truck. I picked up my bag and followed them in my car to Spike’s new apartment. No effort at all. This is how people of substance move! I get the benefit of having money and knowing what to spend it on. Hell yeah!
THE NIBBLER AND MORE BUT NOT MUCH MORE I got back to the office today and found all kinds of belated Christmas presents on my desk. One was from Heather and I was so freakin psyched to open it and find that it was a t-shirt of a little girl with bloodshot creepy eyes. The caption is “My hobby is turning butterflies into caterpillars” and she is actually cutting the wings off of butterflies as they flutter around her and big drops of blood are dripping. Dang Heather! You certainly do have a way with gifts! Didn’t need to consult the Emily Post book of etiquette to come up with what to buy Ivy this Christmas did ya? Dang! She looked at me with her big Heather Church smile and then gave that laugh that makes you either laugh with her or feel really silly. “Is it that little girl you love? The one, what’s her name who’s comic graphic novels you read and who’s baby t-shirts you wear?” “Lenore?” “Yeah, I saw this and thought it was her.” “No. She squeezes puppies and kills them. Oh, and bo
CASA IVY BUT NOT IN CHI TOWN Yikes. I woke up too fucking early this morning and had to call Mia. I was in a panic, but if I'd have been in Chicago I'd have just jumped into my car and driven over to her apartment in Logan's Square and climbed over her security fence and jumped until I snagged the bottom of her retracted fire escape ladder and climbed up it until I could swing onto the fire escape outside her bedroom window and tapped on her window and woken her and enticed her to come to Graceland to walk the grounds and visit Henry with me as I got my voice and explained to her what was consuming me... ...but I'm not home in Chicago so I couldn't jump a fence and climb a fire escape and make Mia open her window and go with me to Graceland. And Mia doesn't live in that apartment in Logan's Square with Lana anymore. I just lay on the floor (which felt quite good on my back) and listened to the phone ring. "What are you doing up so early Baby? Are you
i Q. do U QVC? That's their new slogan. And it's everywhere. On the walls, on the t-shirts, on the shuttle buses. Yeah. Yeah. iQdoUQVC? is actually how they spell their new slogan and don't get me started on how we're ruining our language (not only with the acronyms, but the intentional misspelling of our words.) so abandoning capitalization is really rocking my world. So my trip to dance on QVC started when I slid in the car that arrived for me on, um, what the fuck day is this? Um, Friday, so the car picked me up on Wednesday morning at an unchristian hour. The car was due at 4:00 AM, but I'd been up at 3:00 AM and dashed out of the bathroom to find Mason making coffee for me as apparently he couldn't sleep. Either that, or I woke him up with all of my elephantine tip-toeing around in the dark and banging into things in the spare bedroom and wheeling luggage and what-not. Shit! I'd fucking holler if a house guest woke me up being loud at 3:30 AM, not sur
THE FIRST DAY OF 2008 I awoke early this morning and headed out into the brisk morning with Dexter -- for a run. Not a walk. Don't know why Dexter wanted to sprint around the Arlington Heights area was on the agenda, but I don't mess with Dex unless I have to. Quickly I fed the cat and dog and showered before heading to meet the new leasing agent. NO parking! I drove around my new neighborhood for about 20 minutes. NO Parking! But I did get lots of waves from walking residents and "Happy New Years!" from people who looked like me walking their dogs. Leslie, the agent hopped out of her truck and my new apartment manager headed out of the office to say, "Welcome Ivy! Welcome home!". Wow. They swapped paperwork and I followed my mgr into the building to initial pages and sign on the lines and it was done. I was handed the keys to Kingsley House and my new mailbox and my apartment. Whoa. Then I dumped all of the stuff I've had at Mason's and packed t